the blinking lights are breaking bones

 Ugh the bad sleep has caught up to me. I got good sleep the last two nights and somehow I still feel like utter crud <3 <3

It’s all drizzly outside, too. And devotional is cancelled. I will try to get to the temple, though… I think I could use it. And there have been a lot of talks and such that have been encouraging me to go to the temple! So yeah that will probably help. But seriously I have no energy. This will be another VERY chill day today

Found my backpack and wallet today. That was good, it had been missing for a few days and I was gearing up to give it up as lost or stolen…

Doing my best to take it easy. Not the easiest thing to do, but I’m doing my best… listening to a lot of music, and writing. Drawing. Not doing home between appointments, because I know I will fall asleep or be late to important appointments…

we paint the town on our way home

 Ughhfhehajdkdmssk 

So I went to sleep at 4:30 twice in a row and yesterday I didn’t feel too bad! It wasn’t too bad at all. I had a raging headache for an hour after waking up but the rest of the day was actually pretty good… it was warm… the sun was out…

Then I woke up today and just. BLEGHFHDJSK

No matter where I am there’s constant fatigue. My head hurts. My stomach feels slightly unsettled. I legit only feel like sleeping, I just want to lay down. I don’t have the energy to keep my eyes open if I sit anywhere too long. Just. No.

I’ve been drinking a lot of water. Food stuff is okay, I got my car back from the mechanic. New fun development of the day: my backpack is missing and I don’t know where it is. I have my laptop and my phone, both are perfectly intact, but I do not have my wallet, and that is problematic. I should really start labeling stuff with my name more often.

bUt SaTuRdAy SaTuRdAy SaTuRdAy

 Well I don’t know what’s been going on but we are seriously not doing as well as we were before…

I had free time Thursday Friday and Saturday except for a single D&D thing Thursday morning… I would guess I spent a full 24 hours of that reading. Not fanfic, either! Actual books. I found two or three series that were 9-12 books long and just sat reading for hours and hours and hours. 

I DO NOT RECOMMEND BTW

I have no idea what even happened though. Last week I was just fine and this week I’m going insane. I stayed up until 5 in the morning a few days ago. 

Other news…

- getting my car inspection done! This state doesn’t require inspections but my home state does. Luckily I found a mechanic who would do it

- Good weather. It snowed buckets earlier but today it’s decently warm, for February 

- Trying to hang out with friends more. It helps. I have at least a few who do things with me sometimes and it’s really nice to have that going

- stomach is all funky. Probably the sleep deprivation? But honestly I haven’t a clue

might get loud. on FRIDAY

 current state of the union is mixed. am i doing more things than I was before? yeah, I think so. but I'm also more stressed, and on edge. I feel like I don't know how to relax anymore. Before, I was relaxed all the time to the point of not getting things done that I should, but now I feel stressed and on the one hand, it means I care about doing stuff and making things happen. On the other hand, it means I'm stressed and not relaxed and I'm not really having fun anymore.

Like I was ignoring all the stuff I had to do before, and now I'm focused on it, which is good because it needs to be done, but bad because it's stressing me out and I don't know how to deal with that. What do you do when you're stressed out about things??? 

Anyway... 

- Endowment and Mission stuff are both in progress now, which is good. I've got several interviews lined up in the next two weeks. I'm working on getting to the Health Center for a physical. I need to find a dentist somewhere... but yeah all that's moving along quite nicely.

 - Last few days since I last washed my hair, it dried weird. Like there was a tuft on one side of my face that curled up in this fluffy, floofy poof and every other part of my hair was just lying flat. It's pretty much stayed like that for the last three days, which meant that I was going places with a floofy puff of hair on one side of my face that was bouncing every time I walked. Pretty whimsical!

- went to Choirfest Saturday night, that was great! it was a performance with all the university's choirs and they each did a few songs. The audience even got to sing a hymn in the middle of it, while the different choirs changed out (there were a LOT of people in some of them). I wasn't sure I'd like it, but I ended up having a lot of fun, the music was good and some of them even incorperated parts of the room besides the middle, like there was one time when they started singing from the sides of the room, and then kept singing as they funneled up to the stage. Very funky.

- it's been really warm out, for winter. Like 50s and sunny, some days. I've been trying to get outside more to take advantage! 

not a souuuund. on WEDNESDAY

 

I've been cooking a lot of meals to pass the time, some of them turned out better than others. Like I experimented with Tofu once, that wasn't as good as I hoped. Now I have a bunch of Tofu left that I have to use up :/

I also made cheese and tuna sandwiches, which were good. I grilled them on my pan and the texture wasn't bad.

Yesterday a friend hosted a Galentine's day party, and it was a lot of fun! We watched Barbie and the Diamond Castle (nostalgia!). I brought Shoofly muffins. We played Uno. All around, a really fun time.

I am currently completely caught up with my work, except for one assignment! It's great. 

 

 

Week Two Medication Notes

- upgraded to a full tablet of antidepressant early in the week. Since then, I have had trouble sleeping and also with nausea and headaches throughout the day, especially in the mornings. I think it's just a side effect and I hope it will go away in a few days.

- Still much busier than usual, and more able to get things done. Very little interest in video games or OC stuff compared to how I usually am, leisure time is hard to come by. this might be a problem

- one or two days, I had a lurking feeling that something was wrong and I needed to fix it, like anxiety. Sometimes I have it at night, but I've had a few days where I've had that nagging feeling for a good portion of the day. I believe it's a side effect of the ADHD meds. I will try going without ADHD meds tomorrow to see if that helps.

- much higher appetite for protein, which is hard because most of the food I have on hand is not protein. We're working on it. 

slow down on monday

 the suddenness of how well I am currently doing is really really weird. I'm having trouble adjusting.

- suddenly thinking about fun things like The Future and My Major and What I Want To Do With My Life

- praying more (not much. but more)

- it makes me happy when the sky is pretty

- i notice the presence of Other People more wheras before I mostly just ignored that they exist

- I no longer feel the constant urge to Think About The Characters or write things about them or draw things about them. Yeah, I could do it. But I won't DIE if I don't, which is how it felt two week ago

 - I'm getting executive function impulses again, like "oh yeah I should do laundry" "oh yeah I should do homework because it's due tomorrow" and then I just. do the thing. It's MAGIC

That said. I am a bit worried about how long this will last. How do I maintain this good feeling and do something useful with it, rather than falling back into bad habits or relapsing? When I no longer need the coping skill that's taking up the majority of my free time, what do I do instead?? I have a lot of free time and not a lot of ideas of how to use it productively, and that concerns me.

 

THRIVE suggests reflecting on how the day went and specifically noticing self-care strategies I used and whether they worked. Some things about today, I suppose:

- Doing laundry. got me out of the house and outside. good stuff

- Going places. Going to the Majors and Societies Fair, even though I was tired and didn't manage to do the whole thing

- Eating a delicious cinnamon roll

- listening to my body and leaving when I started feeling bad, rather than trying to stick it out and attend the whole thing

- Watching Doctor Who instead of scrolling

- Taking an Advil when I felt feverish rather than just sticking it out like I usually do

- phone call with my mom

- laying down when I felt like I needed it

- cooking. the end result wasn't very good, lol, but at least I did it and it kept me busy and productive.

- Thursday has a completely free schedule, except for THRIVE, and I think today I managed the best of any of the Thursdays this semester. I've barely been on Tumblr at all and I'm feeling mostly really good, although I did get a bit bored sometimes.

- I need to remember that not all days are going to be this great, and I can and will make mistakes. But a good day like this is proof that good days do exist, and I am capable of doing them. 

double werp

i really must be back, because I'm noticing peoples outfits again. I saw several EXCELLENT haircuts, a killer leather jacket, beautiful long fancy coats... I haven't noticed outfits in like two months.

I made some fish soup yesterday! It was supposed to be salmon, but tuna is cheaper and I had a bunch of leftover tuna from something else, mixed with rice. So I just used that instead of tuna. I also didn't have carrots, so I used peas. The soup tasted just like creamy seafood soup, it was amazing.

There's a guy who sits in front of me in PolySci and he's using ChatGPT to write a big essay. BRUH. You are hurting my soul

 Every time I go to the Wednesday session of Creative Writing, I'm sitting there waiting for the random number generator to pick me and make me read whatever I wrote in class. The worst thing is, I am 90% sure that the one day it does choose me will be the day I submit something really awful or full of spelling errors or something. Some of my writing I would be happy to read in front of the class, but... not all of it.

Besides, sometimes I write, like, romance and stuff. I might die of embarrassment if I have to read that out loud to people. 

 

I've lost my phone, somewhere. I hope it's at my friend's house. I keep all of my calendar stuff on it!! It's gonna be a real problem if it's lost for longer than a few days. One of these days, I should really set up tracking on it so I can find it when it's lost :'(

Update: found it. It was, in fact, at my friend's house. All good now, although I did discover recently that my car battery is dead. Whee 

werp

 ayoooo I’m back

- weekend is a black hole I legitimately have no idea what I was doing for most of that time

- somewhere in there I spent like four hours writing and my brain still hurts

- found a cool new person at my ward. Turns out she lives right above me and likes to walk and talk just like I do

- lots of homework due today and for the first time in a while I actually buckled down and did it all. Maybe that’s a point in favor of the medication

- of course, to get started I had to body double, then go to the store and take a walk, then buy a nice smoothie. But the end result was that I did more assignments today than I have in several weeks total

- if I’m burned out tomorrow you are not allowed to tell me ‘I told you so’

- watched Zootopia! It was decent. I can see why lots of people liked it. I liked Nick and Judy, separately and together. The setting was okay. The ending was meh. It’s exactly the sort media I could see people writing fanfiction for because the world was so neat and the plot was only ok

- my hair is so greasy it’s awful. It’s too cold to shower though I just hate the idea. It’s a good thing I own so many hats

- finally started posting about an idea I’d been thinking about for a while, but was nervous people wouldn’t like it and….. turns out a lot of people think it’s actually neat! So. That’s always nice

musings

 - If you struggle with something that you lack, or a weakness that you have, or something you wish was different but can’t change, the best thing to do is acknowledge it and then move on and think about other things. Fixating on something you can’t have only brings suffering in the end

- couldn’t sleep because of the adhd meds. I spent the time between 10 pm and 1 am alternating between doing some chill activity and trying to sleep. Never done that before, it was kinda cool to experience life as an insomniac but I hope to heaven it isn’t a continuing trend lollll

- weird thing is, I usually spend those three hours rotting on the internet, but yesterday I was totally fine to 1) read a nice book 2) read the scriptures 3) just kinda vibe on the couch with a blanket

- so uh. The good news is the adhd didn’t bother me at night like it usually does. The bad news is that it didn’t bother me primarily because I was on a stimulant that made it impossible to sleep #counterproductive

- things are better now that I have more things in my schedule. THRIVE helps, as does my new religion class (which is really fun! I’m really happy to be there)

- I even went to Institute yesterday, I never do that. I went to Institute and doodled in the back and didn’t process a word that was said but hey! It got me out of the house.

- church stuff or songs remind me of my own characters and stories all. the. time. I’m honestly not sure if that’s a good thing (because my stories reflect the gospel) or a bad thing (because it means I’m thinking about Star Wars in church)

whaaahooooo

 First day of being on medication! Gonna just keep something of a log on here, so I can remember for the follow up appointment

- checking Tumblr way too much. It’s not good for me

- stories!!

- goshhh I’m lonelyyyy

- went to my new religion class for the first time! It’s about the Family Proclamation, all the church’s doctrine on family and marriage and stuff, and discussing how to understand it and how to make peace with the more controversial topics

- really good discussion. The teacher continues to be legitimately one of the nicest human beings I’ve ever met. He went around the first five minutes and just asked how we were doing and anything good that was coming up in our lives. He went up to people and shook their hand individually. This guy is amazing

- the class itself was also amazing, we talked about gender and same-sex stuff and it was genuinely a really good discussion for how controversial that topic is…

- food is so nice. Most of the time I really just eat whatever and then occasionally I eat an actual meal. Eating some really good food restores my faith in life being good and it makes me really grateful for the body I have

- thinking a fair bit about missions. Do I want to go on a mission? CAN I go on a mission, would I be any good at it??

Medication stuff

- took half a tablet of antidepressants yesterday before bed, at the doctor’s recommendation. No noticeable side effects except feeling just a tad bit weird for ~10 min

- adhd meds in the morning today. Again, slight weird stomach stuff but otherwise fine

- spent a good couple hours writing story stuff, did not get any homework done even homework I planned to and needed to

- was able to stay on campus for longer, but spent my time working on personal projects again. So homework wise we have made no progress but everything else wise i think today was a better day than usual?

- they weren’t kidding I really did lose my appetite. Ate a nice lunch once I got home though. My stomach has been hurting ever since but that could be because I’m on my period rn lollll

hhhurb

 Wow today was busy! It’s so interesting how much the vibe of a day changes when it’s crowded vs when it’s slow. Totally different experience

glubb the blubbb

 Sigh. One of my online friends is being less active right now, and I hope it’s not just that they don’t like me. I don’t think so, but I am a little worried. In the past, he would often start conversations over chat a lot, but he doesn’t do it as much now and whenever I try and start something he seems like he doesn’t really want to talk very much. I think he’s just busy with school or something?

In other news

- I’m waiting to have a medication appointment and it’s standard procedure to have anyone who comes in fill out a form with depression and anxiety symptoms. Whee… it’s been kinda cathartic to go through and be like yeah, I’m experiencing that and that and that. And all of those things DID make my life difficult, thanks for asking!

- went to my class in my Star Wars pajama pants. Walked all the way there from my house which meant everyone who passed me got to see my fuzzy X wingssss

- it’s fine lol. I made it to class, I did my laundry, I didn’t lose my key fob 💯

- fun thing about being depressed is you have a good few hours and you’re like yeah, we’re chill, glad we’re done with THAT

- then it comes back and for some reason you’re surprised. Wait, I’m feeling the way I usually feel?? What a surprise!

- medication guy immediately prescribed me both antidepressants and ADHD meds. After hearing horror stories about how hard it is to get medication that was actually incredibly painless

- started playing hogwarts mystery, which is a mobile Harry Potter game! It’s pretty bad, I probably won’t keep playing it and instead just look up all the companion conversations somewhere because I want to make Harry Potter universe characters but the actual mechanics of the game are awful

- I’ve decided to draw a bunch of my characters for Valentine’s Day! Like draw each character with the person that they’re closest to (not necessarily romantic). I don’t know if I will finish everything in time but it’s a good motivator to keep drawing even when I don’t always feel like it