Photo dump part ζ

 

they’re going to eat him alive

- Ehehe fic posted! That’s always a bit weird. Like. Bruh I’m an actual writer. I am posting Things. On AO3. What is this

- too many ideas. Some days (a lot of days) I wake up and immediately I have the Writing Zoomies so I spend a rather frenetic two hours writing the thing that has appeared in my skull and then I’m like WELL. That happened

- it continues to surprise me every time writing Occurs because it sure doesn’t feel like something I control. The writing spirits demand that I write and thus I do (being slightly dramatic lol but like. only slightly)

- yesterday was very much a Pinecone Day. I mentioned earlier that I write important days on a piece of paper and attach it as a label to a pinecone. Yesterday was VERY pinecone

- wind. As a poetic concept. Interesting, especially because it is windy here

- on the name grind again. Comment below—what vibes does Alyssa have? How about Felicity? Quill? Finnick?

that poor man

 - whoops i think i missed a day

weeeeird conversation with a random guy today. i was crocheting in a school building and this guy comes along and just plunks down right next to me--there's basically nobody else here, mind you, it's the weekend. 

anyway, it's like a sort of normal conversation at first, but then he said he was on the spectrum, and I was like hey me too! and then it all just kind of went downhill from there, because I think he took that as an invitation to tell me his entire worldview (the world is against me and judgement will fall on all of them). I was like okay, sure, I can debate? Except every time I started to say something he'd either interrupt me or act like my question was stupid and the answer was obvious (note that the apparently obvious answer was never actually given)

So eventually I realized it wasn't really going anywhere. Told him I had to go eat cuz I'd been there a while (which was true) and left. But. bruh what on EARTH

 other than that, though...

- spent a good portion of the day formatting the screenplay segment I wrote to post on AO3. Fun fact, if you want a work to come out without the default font and everything, you actually have to use a combo of CSS and HTML to make it display. So I got to do a bit of learning there, and that was confusing. It helped that Nathan from my writing group sent me a link to several guides, because they made things a lot easier to understand.

- woke up ridiculously early again. do not recommend. had to keep songs playing for a good three hours to keep myself energized. brother

- found a real fun picrew. Most picrew are fun, of course, but this one was for hand-holding which, in my opinion, is better. No worries about getting the face right or the hair right. Just skin tone, accessories to show personality. Plus looooots of potential for angst, since you can easily mess up the picture in some way. Put cracks all over the picture, to show it used to be the case but now it isn't. Make one hand ghostly, to show that one member is dead. Cover one hand in blood, implying an "I can fix him" relationship. Etc. etc. etc. anyway if anyone wants to do it I linked it above. send stuff to me, if you end up doing it (manifesting a reylo version from dearest mother)

- Sam curled my hair. also brought me bread. I was going to do those separately but I just realized I actually don't remember when each of those things happened. So.

- Curled my hair, that's never happened before. It was cool, it was all sticky-outy, especially in the back. I definitely wouldn't want to wear it on a date though. That was a one-time experience, I think. I like trying stuff but I only feel obligated to try anything once because the novelty is fun. After that... no promises

- also bread! It tasted JUST like challah bread, made me really nostalgic actually. I still have some in the kitchen

-  anywho. backstory stuff, of course. I'm doing that every day because of the event. It goes another week, so I've still got lots of stuff to come up with and write up! Yesterday the OC of the day was Cardigan. I really liked the story I wrote for her; the doodle was just ok. Cauldron smoke is hard to do well because ideally it should have good texture, and I don't know how to do that 👌

-  meant to go to the temple today. Dang it, I don't think I'll be able to.. actually no. You know what I was going to go on an egg hunt but honestly I don't really feel like it now. Which... I feel bad not going, since it's hosted by a guy I know, but also it's late at night, in the dark, goes until 10 o'clock. I really struggle to do social things after eight.

- so. maybe I will go to the temple. HMMM

speaking of, though -- i did go to D&D, and that was because I missed the weekly meetup with physics guy. Who I sort of like, but also mostly just want to be friends with. Anyway I brought him my chocolate zucchini muffins that I made for Gondor Independence Day (thank you sam for informing me that was a thing) and helped him make a character and then we went to the thing!

it was mostly good. it was around 7-8 folks with very low level characters, and not a single DM there had prepared a low-level adventure. So they got one of the more experienced DMs to plan one on the spot! For an adventure that was planned 100% by the seat of his pants, I thought it was excellently done so. mad respect to that guy, especially since he usually doesn't even play D&D.

except surprise! the D&D gods (the moderators of the event) declared that everyone had to switch character sheets, pass them all to the right. o-O and me and Dallin had just made our characters so this was extra fun for both of us. I got a half-finished character sheet that the guy next to me had just made, so I had to finish it for him. Dallin got my character sheet, and to his credit he immediately started using a high-pitched voice since she was a girl. Normally I'd be like you go dude because he was really into it. Unfortunately everyone else was weirded out so he didn't get to do that. Someday, I think it'd be real fun to have him as a player in one of my adventures, though. 

- other news... idk. the weather is lovely but a bit windy. which reminds me -- a few days ago I had a real good idea for a writing thing I could do about wind. Symbolism, or something. Wind can mean a lot of things and I thought of a cool metaphor for it... i guess stay tuned.....  

 

who would even need a foot transplant?? Is that something people do?

 - what even happened yesterday. I don’t remember?? Lots of things I’m sure

- burst of creative energy, finished my short play I was writing for a prompt, it turned out pretty good! I’m happy abt that especially because it was about a subject I don’t usually deal with (BACKSTORY *ominous piano chord*)

- creative writing class was GREAT — we read a poem that was legitimately well written. I was almost frustrated that we didn’t get to actually discuss it because of time constraints because I really wanted to debate possible interpretations!!!!

- endowments. Also I meant to fast for my friend who’s having a rough time but then I forgot but then I forgot to bring any food so when I remembered two hours later I still hadn’t eaten anything. So! Success???

- did initiatories before endowments and I gotta say I’m not the biggest fan at ALL. Suppose it’s good that others folks do them a lot because I am perfectly happy to leave the initiatories to them.

- realized too late I’d forgotten about a commitment to a friend; postponed to later in the day. Realized too late that the new time meant I couldn’t do another thing with a different friend. Just… who in the WORLD put me in charge of scheduling? I am not qualified

- evening: practiced making flatbread, first time around I measured the portions WAY badly, second time I did better and also actually rolled the dough with a cup instead of just squishing it into shape with my hands… so the bread actually puffed up a little. Woohoo!

- I will use the bread for quesadillas, I think. Maybe also try French Toasting a few? Sandwiches! Either way, it’s food. I’ll eat it. And then I’ll try making it again and see if I can’t get better at doing it next time

- my roommate wanted to watch stranger things with me, but she’s also on the third season! So. I crocheted and mostly ignored what was going on, and she watched. Then it was 10:20 so I excused myself to go to bed… all in all, a successful day I suppose. Though I am a bit lonely right now

i'll have four feet. maybe i'll donate two of them for transplanting or somethign

 - eh no a great day yesterday. My roommate has been having a rough time. I’m happy I even noticed cuz normally I don’t notice that stuff but this time I did! And I also had the sense not to walk right up to her and ask 🎉🎉

- anyway we had a talk in my room today and yeah. She’s not doing good and she also has a BUNCH of classes she needs to finish. Finals coming up. She isn’t sure how she’s going to get them all done

- I guess my familiarity w depression helped a little bit cuz I was able to say like… yeah. It sucks. I’m sorry. Take care of yourself.

 anyway I’m keeping her in my prayers and yall should to

In other news, I’m still drawing and writing for a fandom event that’s happening these few weeks. I’m using it to write out my own OCs backstories but also trying to look around at everyone else’s, and interact, and maybe make some friends. I’m pretty well known in the swtor fandom but not so much in the Arcana fandom because I’m new and I don’t talk as much. Time will change that, I suppose

I’m slowly fixing my sleep schedule, doctor’s orders. Amber glasses, weighted blanket. The official goal is 10 pm to 6 am and I am graaaaadually making my way in that direction! 

Did some writing. It seems to me like morning writing is the best for me because I managed to bang out a whole half of a short story after procrastinating several days. Very nice

Lovely day.

Went to endowments. Did initiatories for the endowment name right before!! Very neat, I felt the spirit a lot. I’m always crying in the temple, which is unfortunate because I could easily just sob but I think that would distract folks in the celestial room.. which is too bad. Sometimes I really need to just sob uncontrollably for a bit

Anyway. Friend stuff keeps not working out. It’s like the fifth time it hasn’t worked. I’m soooo done

when ive grown a foot or two

 whew what a day. creative writing class in the morning, on the way there I found a bag of pills! just a ziploc bag of pills, laying on the ground outside the gym. Took it to the lost &found of course. I wonder how you would figure out what the pills even ARE? Like are they illegal drugs or medication or?? and why are they in an unlabelled ziploc bag?? many questions.

oh well. that's something for the L&F folks to figure out now

anyway i printed off my resume, four or five copies, and gave one to the library and one to deseret book. I think I would be very happy to work at both of those places. I'm also going to poke around to a few other places and also ask about their applications. Ideally, I wanna be a cashier or a front-desk receptionist-type job, so I'll just poke around and see. Since I'm Biomed, it would be great to get a job with a healthcare center, if possible. Not sure what I have to do for that, though.

as usual my religion class was an absolute banger. that teacher is so enthusiastic about his subject and totally good with discussing more tricky topics and things. I lovee his class and if I can, I'm totally going to take more classes with this specific guy. Best dude. Seems like a lot of the religion department fellows are quite good, enough that it almost makes me feel bad for not doing a theology major. almost.

more writing. wasn't really feeling it most of the time but I did get a bit of energy in the afternoon so I revised a thing I was already doing. 

did a voicecall with an online friend so he could help me figure out some technology issues. i really really don't know how technology works and it shows. I hope he wasn't frustrated with me.

 

there was a ward activity today, a Kareoke night. I was worried I wouldn't enjoy it, but actually it was quite good! we all sat in chairs and watched each person come up and sing a song, so it was kinda like a concert. I sang "Little Boxes" by Pete Seeger and I'm not super happy with how I sung because I kept getting the rhythm a little bit off but I'm glad I came up. I was really hoping to sing another song but then we ran out of time.

I also went to the hobby store today and got some more yarn, because I ran out of yarn for my scarf before. so now I have three more skeins in different colors, and I'm gonna make it a bit of a gradient. We'll see if it turns out well, but I think it will.

got some amber glasses I'm supposed to wear before bed, and so far I've barely noticed I was wearing them. I definitely look a bit strange but it's alright, generally dark orange is a color that I can pull off, and it just looks a bit like cool sunglasses. AND i don't even really go out much after sundown most of the time, so it's not like anyone would see me wearing them.

room assignments are finalized for the Spring semester. wayyy less people, which honestly makes sense. spring semester finishes in July and I don't think really anyone wants to be doing school in July. Fortunately I'm gonna be taking a light course load so if I want to go outside and enjoy myself I'll be able to do so.

I've started keeping a log in my phone of when I go to bed and stuff. scriptures, meds, general mood. hopefully it'll be helpful for something or other. maybe therapy.

it's currently a two week event for The Arcana! people are sharing things about their OCs, there are prompts... I'm trying to keep up. Not sure how many people will actually READ my stuff, but I'm gonna try anyway, especially because I'm pushing myself to draw a companion doodle for every post I do. So far, I only have actual backstories for two of the four characters. Maybe this event will inspire me to figure out the other two a bit more, or maybe I'll just work on the two I'm familiar with. Not sure, yet!

Got a CTR ring. I lost my old one and luckily you can get the exact same design at a store near me! so I got a new one for my thumb because they didn't have any small enough to go on my pinkie finger.

I've been playing Hollow Knight a bit. It's hard. I'm persisting, though. Most new games I don't like too much, but this one I'm finding is one I'm genuinely excited to play. this is good. Credit to my friend Nathan for suggesting I play it <3

wow that was long. ok. well i need to go to bed, that's a goal of mine. therapy tomorrow, woo hoo! and im planning to make chocolate zucchini bread for Gondor independence day in two days. 

*guitar riffs*

 Some days I wake up with absolutely no energy to get out of bed. One thing that helps is to grab my phone and put something fast paced and energetic on. Listening to songs helps me wake up at least a little, AND even if it never actually helps at least I listened to cool music instead of you know… just laying there >.>

The entire skein of yarn is used up and the scarf is just a nice regular rectangle of yarn. I guess I’ll need at LEAST two more skeins of the same size… which is good! Now I will do different colors. Maybe a nice gradient 🤔

Relatively good day all things considered. Church, said hi to guy I liked, hung out with my friend’s roommates, actually paid attention to talks AND lessons which is not a frequent occurrence. Did a bit of drawing after not really drawing at all for a while. 

Went with a friend to water plants, I was a bit too tired to enjoy it but I did get to meet her cousin and he was cool

Stadium singing 🔥🔥 highly recommend. Almost missed it because I got carried away with a project but I’m glad I came cuz I got to see an acquaintance I hadn’t talked to in a while :))

Got home, decided to be productive and make good decisions so got ready for bed and then… spent like an hour cleaning the whole apartment which was a mess. I’m glad I did because it looks nicer now but… bruh that was not on the agenda. We may be getting into another episode folks, buckle up

you should see the other guy

 - candles are so cool. I can light a candle in my room and leave the door open and after about an hour the whole house smells like lavender. Amazing. makes the entire space feel much more friendly and nice 

-  made cookies yesterday that was neat. my friend Alec said he would make cookies for whoever guessed the meaning of his last name and my roommate got it! So I helped him make snickerdoodles and also made some chocolate chip cookies of my own. They ended up tasting a little like rhubarb muffins because I had no brown sugar and compensated by putting wayyy too much molassas in.

ALSO the snickerdoodles turned out well but it's kinda crazy that they did?? We did all the ingredients and the result was flaky and WAY too dry. Couldn't hold together at all. Basically crumbs, dry cake mix. We called Alec's mom because she's the one who's the baker and she was like ?? you must have done something wrong

but like. the recipe did not call for ANY liquid to be added except for one egg. I think the recipe was wrong because once we added a careful amount of milk to the mix it morphed into perfectly normal cookie dough. The resulting cookies were also completely fine and normal and the perfect texture. So I really think there was just something missing from the recipe.

 

really getting into crocheting as a way to fidget! take my crochet bag to any sort of activity or thing where I have to focus and just. crochet, the whole time. Pull a Sister Conrad as it were. It does wonders for the focus. I plan to bring the bag to church tomorrow as well

yesterday we had a PowerPoint night, organized by one of my friends. Basically everyone who wants to prepares a 10 min powerpoint on anything they want! Then we watch through them all and get educated. Or idk. laugh a lot, because it was just made to be funny. I was surprised how many people made completely unserious powerpoints. what's the point of coming to a powerpoint night if folks are just gonna mess around and make random crud?? (this is a rhetorical question. I understand why they do it it's just very different from what I do)

I was going to make a presentation about the Sith Empire because there is ABSOLUTELY 10 min of lore there but.. idk man i just didn't have the writing vibes. I can yap about something very easily but making a PLANNED POWERPOINT PRESENTATION is an entirely different animal. WDYM i have to do pictures???

anywho. i may or may not get roped into helping my friend water plants in a hot sec so i shall end here 

 

 

all the eggs all the eggs are in the ocean

 - very warm today. sweating even in a short sleeve shirt. slightly worried about the lack of AC in my humble abode

- why is everything happening. im very sldkfjslkdjf. stuff. stuff is going on and it's all going on at the same time but at least my major is decided my crops are watered my skin is clear my depression is cured and im not eating

- i mean i am eating. just not enough

- whee

- park was FULL of people picnicking today. adorable. That would be such a fun date if I was dating anybody

- ordered a weighted blanket and candles and blue-light filtering glasses. apparently, regular sleep from 10 pm to 6 am is the optimal arrangement for bipolar folks and that is something I can control without medication side effects so im gonna do my best to make it happen

- going out for mocktails for a friend's birthday. then im doing another thing for another friend's birthday tomorrow. my other other friend also had HIS birthday on pi day and I made him a little art thing... March used to be the worst month of the year but honestly now I think it's one of the best (another reason: Galen vibes. SO MUCH. the amount of Galen vibes rn is crazy)

- nice phone call with my brother. should do those more often.

- My friend Nathen got me Hollowknight!!! that was AWESOME of him. I'm trying it out and I really really like it so far. It reminds me of Raymond Legends which is one of my favorite games

- some progress on my short story. that was nice

- learned how to use the BYUI printer! very excited about that

- it's been a decent day all things considered im just dealing with some sucky mental health things like usual. just gotta remember that my brain sucks sometimes and just because it likes to make rainclouds over me doesn't mean it's actually raining

- anyway. Im off to do mocktails. wish me luck. or don't. instructions unclear

- oh YEAH and sam brought me bread today. she is so cool 

parking ticket woes

  alright so. ive been asking around for guesses about how much the parking ticket was... we have quite a list.

In order we have

• Sam: 75
• Anna: 90
• Me: 115
• Todd: 150 
• Daniel: 200
• Both of my parents, independently: 250
• Mads: 350

SO! the grand total is... $235, from three different parking notices! they are tiered, so they go up in amount every time you land on them (much like houses in the automated version of Monopoly) 

Congrats to my mom and dad, I guess. Great minds think alike, or something

I did kinda make a promise that I'd draw something for whoever won, so let me know if you want a doodle and I'll do my best to oblige :)
 

they gotta let you out of your cage

 - dude it been a crazy day

- late to class whee

- reserved bowling stuff for later today! my co-lead was supposed to do it but something came up and he didn't tell me until i asked. so i did it in between class and my psychiatrist appointment. that was a whole thing

- new medication update! we're decreasing the dosage on the sleepy one and increasing the dosage on the other one. Also, I'm gonna get "amber goggles" for the night which block blue light

- realized my car had gone missing today. turns out it had been missing since last tuesday, when i was late to therapy and parked in the teacher parking so i could get there with at least some time to spare. then i forgot that i'd driven and walked home, leaving my car parked illegally in the teacher lot. for a week.

- went to taco bell with my friend and her sister yesterday night, to take pictures for mutual. I guess i was the moral support because all of my photo ideas they didn't like. oh well. i was helpful in some way even if it wasn't the intended way

- having SO MUCH FUN with my lavender candle. it's too bad they're so dang expensive because I would burn them ALL THE TIME if I could. 

-  had some time before FHE so i went to a couple thrift stores and bought temple clothes. this is good because the temple dress I had was way too big for me. I liked it, but they didn't have it in any smaller size and that was unfortunate

- played swtor with my friend Nathan! That was also a lot of fun.

- bowling was cool. I got the worst score of everyone there and got zero points most times but I figured it out eventually! And I brought Sam with me and she did really good (got a strike one time!) and I figure that's good enough for me

- also another guy in FHE, Alec, told me he'd played swtor before! so now that's two people who play swtor who live right by me. what are the odds??????

- anyway it's been a very full day. gonna see if i can do temple things tomorrow, but we'll see if I can fit it in with everything else.

 

 

everyone guess in the comments how much the parking fee was! I've got one guess but I want to get several more so we can make this a proper competition 

stay awhile stay awhile

 - chill day

- not actually. I’m just chill rn

- actual day I was dead on my feet for two hours and then I went to a convention at 12 pm. Hosted by the college. Lots of booths and art and cosplay and also some presentations by various teachers

- wasn’t gonna dress up but then I was like. Why not. So I dressed up vaguely D&D with my poncho and D&D brown boots and also a my red dress. For vibes

- bunch of people from the gaming group came which was neat! And I got a couple of things. Thought about getting a lot more things but I have a limited budget lol

- one I was really on the fence about: someone did character stickers and she had KPop Demon Hunters stickers. They were amazing. Unfortunately the whole Saja Boys pack was $12 and I didn’t want to only get one (feel free to guess in the comments which one I was thinking abt getting) (it’s not Jinu) so. But I did get a really nice print of Jesus 

- after that. Very much just chilling. Playing with ye olde roommate cat. Writing. Answering asks

- I finally got my older siblings to try On Together bwahaha and I’m hoping we can use it together in the future because it’s really helpful for me and it makes me feel more close with my family too

- I was feeling really stuck with writing! Just doing one thing and it was dragging on and not working so well. >:(

- but then I realized I should just let it go and work on something else… and that worked much better!! So I’m a very pleased little bird

- speaking of birds I saw several very adorable little crocheted birds at the con. Fluffy, tiny birds. Fjjdsnndjciw 

- I want to learn how to crochet. I think I will do that tomorrow

CAT sdlkjfslkdjfklsdfklsdjklfskljdf

 - cool day. especially because i keep thinking today is Saturday and it ISNT which means that I have a whole other day of weekend! look at thatttt

- very very ADHD today. scattered. trying to do lots of things but kept getting distracted from one thing or another etc. etc. etc. i discovered at least once that I accidentally ghosted someone right in the middle of a conversation because I got sidetracked doing something else. In the middle of the conversation.

- why are there always THINGS. can there not be things please

- did stuff with my friend. we got acai bowls! there's a place where you order a bowl and they let you put all the toppings you can fit in the bowl in, free of charge. I got my friend to order and only changed a couple of things, and it was really tasty. lots of weird things in it that I've never had before. ate half of it there and saved half of it for later. HIGHLY RECOMMEND it's like frozen yogurt but healthier (and more expensive lol)

- I also walked with her to a couple of her other appointments because I wanted to keep hanging out! so we went to pick up meds and then walked to her on-campus job. Then i went home and did a bit of Old Republic, and did some art, and answered some asks... then my friend and her sister showed up randomly so we went to Walmart and bought supplies for pies. because Pi Day is tomorrow. So I made a chicken pot pie and it turned out really good! I LOVE chicken pot pie and I should definitely make it more often.

- usually game night is just whatever games we choose from the shelf of games, but tonight I brought One Night Werewolf and also Crown of Elfhame, which I brought to college and was really hoping to play. There was.... a LOT of teasing about the art. But we had fun, I think. And One Night was good too

- other pies brought: strawberry cream pie from Walmart, and homemade salted caramel pretzal pie. As per usual, they were both WAY too sweet for me, but I got a bite or two of both and enjoyed them. Especially the caramel one. The salt was a bit much but the caramel was really good and apparently the crust was made of pretzals??? which is the COOLEST thing

- took a nap with my roommate's cat. literally the most adorable thing to ever exist. I was SO happy. Cats. they are angels on earth  

brooklyn 99 (is a show i've never seen and know nothing about)

 - keep finding pretty pinecones around. i have decided to label them with what significant thing happened that day. so far I have two and I plan to accumulate more Important Items so that eventually I have a whole history's worth of stuff. of course i'll have to actually remember to label them and tie the strings and things... but that's ok.

- SO MUCH COOL ART THINGS. On Together is doing amazing things for my productivity. I made headway with a short story, finished an art piece for my friend Cato's birthday, did my laundry, and exercised a bit. sdlkfjsdlfkj i hope it continues to be helpful in the future but we'll see

- writing this 45 minutes after taking my sleep meds. feeling very drowsy. probably should just go to sleep

- beautiful day outside

- made tortilla lime soup, but there wasn't any chicken so i just put in some extra noodles. maybe not the best idea, spaghetti noodles are hard to eat in a dignified way

- there were some adorable pigeons hanging out under the eaves of the grocery store. the softest little "hoot hoot" noises. Took a video. Animals are so cool when I don't scare them away 

Just you know. Hanging out in an empty hallway

 The sheer number of paintings all over campus is… crazy. There are so many. I’m in a random back cooridor that very few people ever go through and there are paintings hung up on the wall… whoever made that decision, I am grateful to them. Art is awesome

Finally getting around to reading my friend Nathen’s very long book series he’s writing. Very cool, very lore heavy. He wanted me to go through and provide feedback, and I was doing it but it is VERY long. So I kinda ran out of steam in the middle of the third book

However! We are doing it again now. Right now I’m waiting for a class to start and I was reading that, before I decided to take a break and write up this post.

I think I would like leaves on the walls of my room. Fake yellow leaves, like a network or lattice of ivy going up the wall. And it’s yellow. I like yellow in a room, I want my future bedroom to be yellow and gold. Yellow is the color of creativity, after all

Life hack: if you see someone you like and want to talk to but you don’t know what to say or how to not be weird… set up a weekly thing to do together. If you can find a way to go to a class together or go to D&D or whatever… then it’s wayyyy easier to talk. Or... offer to give them a ride if they need one, because then they’re trapped in the car with you!!

Current songs stuck in my head: Pandora’s Box by Marina, and Paladin Strait by 21 Pilots

and the rain stopped falling

 day one of new meds... again...

now we're off the antipressants AND the ADHD meds because both of them were triggering episodes. We do not like this!! (we is me and my psychiatrist, who I met with three weeks ahead of schedule yesterday because I was feeling so weird)

so. turns out the sudden wave of intense general anxiety I've been feeling the last few days was a second hypomanic episode. Suddenly a lot of things make sense (huge amounts of anxiety during the endowment, suddenly feeling really happy even though I'm also feeling physically terrible, suddenly having huge amounts of get-stuff-done energy even though I'm exhausted...)

I am now ON a mood stabilizer (long term) and also a short-term mood stabilizer that has a side effect of helping with sleep. I take that one right before bed and it basically just knocks me out within half an hour of taking it. Which is good because I have had trouble sleeping!

Things we're watching out for, now:

- depression or anxiety getting WORSE instead of better

- any physical issues that are strong enough to make functioning difficult, or severely impact quality of life

and yeah I've got another meeting with the psychiatrist (awesome dude. I recommend) in a week! 

the seas have gone dry

 - weird day. Very weird day

- got very very lost in the sauce yesterday. I think I forgot to eat. I woke up at 7 today feeling very very nauseous and also like I got run over by a truck. 

- like. Nauseous I THINK 

- yeah uh I forgot it was daylight savings time EW

Update, many hour later:

- today has been a Good Day

- making new friends!! A bunch. It is soooo fun having people who I like who I can hang out with!! This is such a new feeling and it makes me very happy. I feel like one of those sad characters who gets adopted by a friend group and realizes the Power of Friendship

- superrrr drowsy. But I hung out with some people I like, and then I laid down 

- “from Satan grasp he sets me free//and I shall live with joy and love” this lyric has a lot of meaning to me right now. There really is a lot of power in music. Music!!

- got with some online writing buddies and they encouraged me to write even though I thought it would be bad! That’s never happened before. It was amazing. People are so cool

- food situation is… ehh. I’ve lost my appetite. Not my favorite thing. 

what a beautiful morningggg

 Weird day. Very busy but spent a LOT of time in my room and it was odd.

Because the entire time I was working. I was doing actual stuff. Writing things. I must have spent at least three or four hours total just working on a fic outline, and writing answers to asks, and responding to friends’ posts that had come up in the day I was off social media. There was so much actual stuff to do!

And… it’s weird how much of it was people oriented. I talked with a relatively new online friend and texted for a good while. I got On Together and did that with a different friend. I spent the morning working on art for a third friend because his birthday is coming up and I wanted to make something for him. And, somewhere in the mix, I played a bit of Risk of Rain with my siblings.

What a wonderful world. Technology is so cool. I even ran around the block once during one of my On Together enforced breaks.

I think I was actually so engrossed in what I was doing that I forgot to eat for a good portion of the day. That was different.

and now a little bit from the sponsor of this video...

 

 

 

WHOA PICTURES!!! Rare occurrence

but BRUH I found this awesome Productivity Tool called On-Together. You make a little avatar and you spawn into a little server and then you just kinda hang out with other people who are also on the server. You can sit down at little work places and make your avatar do whatever you're doing. I met up with my maybe-friend-at-some-point-soon Drake and we both worked on writing. and planning. and then we both got up to eat food and drink water when the timer rang, and we changed our avatars to do a cute little eating food out of a bowl animation.

The entire thing is ADORABLE and it was really nice because there are some friends that I struggle to know how to just. Text them. So it's nice to be able to meet up (virtually) and do parallel work. This guy I've wanted to be friends with for AGES and I just was able to have a good conversation with him specifically because we did a thing together. And idk, there's something really comforting about how it looks.

I mean. Just look at them. They're sitting so close together and they look like such good friends :)))

 

So. On Together is on sale in the Steam Store RIGHT NOW. For $7. Go forth and get it so we may do little things together. 

something this town will forever talk about

woo woo endowment is done! spring semester classes are registered! we are now wearing one more layer than we were before and so far I haven't noticed a thing

notes from the endowment itself... won't go into too much detail obviously

- i had to show up early in order to do my initiatory in preparation for the actual endowment. before that happened, I met with the temple matron (wife of the president) and she explained the general gist of what would happen... except I already knew everything she was telling me because I'd seen videos. SO. I was inexplicably very anxious that entire conversation

- then we got dressed in proper ceremonial clothes and stuff. that was fine. not too different from what it's like to do baptisms, honestly, except I wear sandals over the socks and I have a bag of extra stuff that I carry with me.

-  chose to go to a temple farther away than the temple I usually go to. It's bigger, with more rooms that have murals and stuff on them. Next time I will go to the closer temple, but for my first time I wanted it to be special.

- anyway. initiatory I was still stressed. but I figured out that if I shut my eyes and didn't try to hold eye contact with the person doing the ceremony, I didn't get quite so bad. And some of the words they said really resonated with me.

- There's a certain word you get in the initiatory that you take with you to the rest of the stuff. I really liked the one I got.

- the endowment itself... went into the room and it was empty. we waited a longggg time to start and I was still very anxious. I got my friend Sam, who was coming with me, to let me have her bracelet to fidget with and I pretty much fidgeted with that the whole time. My hands got really sweaty.

- the actual rituals weren't too bad. but the waiting and the sitting still and not having anything at ALL to do, when I'm used to doodling or taking notes all the time... it made me really on edge. At some point Sam (who is wonderful and also very good at noticing stuff about her friends' emotional states) gave me her hand to hold onto and that really helped. It was a little weird, but it also helped a lot because I was slightly freaking out and I didn't want to be freaking out.

- at the end I was just glad that I made it all the way through. I was too stressed and keyed up to stay in the celestial room for very long, so I just said hi to all my friends who had come through with me (and I was very glad they did! Every time a new person I recognized came out I was like yay! Another person who likes me and is here for this important thing!!) and then went straight out to get dressed again.

- there was a bit of confusion about where to meet up afterward but eventually we worked it out and I got out cookies and muffins for them, and a bunch of real food for myself because I had been fasting the whole day. It was really nice to have a bunch of people I knew and liked in the same group. We took pictures which was really neat

- of course I can't write this up without mentioning the absolutely banger outfit I showed up in. my hair was cool, I got a red jacket and black pants and black pointy heels that I bought at the thrift store thirty minutes before I had to leave for the temple. I kid you not. I made the outfit, looked at the available shoes, and realized that I did not have the Correct Shoes for this outfit. So I went to the thrift store and lo and behold they had shoes in my size that were exactly what I needed. God is awesome 

in front of your house~

 goshhhh today is a fun day. good day today. good days are nice and I love them.

- taking a break from Tumblr for the weekend. Last time I tried to do that, I wasn't able to! but this time I have come up with a genius idea: I will post a big post that I want a lot of interaction for, and then I'll leave it for three days so that it's at the top of my blog and super visible! now I can't go post stuff on there, even if I want to, because I need to leave that post at the top where people can see it

- it is lovely outside. a little bit cold, i had to wear a hat to avoid getting my ears hurting. but the sky is blue and the sun is shining so I really can't complain

- I had some star decorations hung in my room, but they fell down a month or two ago. Sam came over yesterday to bake cookies (which we baked with shortening, not butter, and dairy-free chocolate! because one of my friends who is coming is dairy-free) and we were looking for my cookie sheets, which had mysteriously disappeared.

- we never found them. they are still AWOL

- but while Sam was in my room, she just decided to hang up the stars that had fallen down. I didn't even notice until I was going to bed that night and realized they were up again and slkdjflskdfjlkdjsf that is legitimately the nicest thing I think anyone has done for me. I can't believe she is real

- music stuff ehehe. I found a fun new song (courtesy of Josh from high school) called Convoy. It's about trucks grouping up and speeding so that the cops can't really pull any of them over for speeding. It's illegal, but the way the song went was super whimsical and fun and sldkjfld just. there are mentions of rubber ducks. I am in love

- fasting today and honestly fasting is SO MUCH BETTER on school days. Every time I have fasted for a specific reason, and not just because it's fast sunday, is SO HELPFUL. I feel so much less hungry and upset because it's for a reason and that's okay. when I'm just fasting because it's fast sunday... idk. it's meaningless. And it's on a sunday, when there's nothing else to do either. I think I will try to fast on days other than Sunday, and make fasting more meaningful. 

note to self

 It is really neat having friends. Why did I not do this before. Friends are the coolest things in the world and I highly recommend. 

bite it back with all your. MIGHHHHEEIIEEIIIT

 have you noticed that all my titles are song lyrics? they are all song lyrics. I like songs and I like listening to songs. So there you have it

Anyway! today was another busy and Tired day. I've discovered at this point that I have a real lack of energy a lot of the time. I am no longer depressed and I have things I want to do, but at the same time I cannot be doing things all day. I just can't. I spent a good 45 minutes in the afternoon just laying in my bed, because I needed to Not Do Things for a while. It's... not something I'm used to doing. But that's okay.

went to the reception for a new exhibit at the art building. this time it's mostly paintings of plants, landscapes, etc. I... really like that. Honestly my FAVORITE art is landscapes and colors and real things. I don't like abstract stuff quite so much.

I also went to a seminar that my roommate invited me to! it was a seminar on how to healthily date, and the guy was a marriage professor. he gave us three things to avoid and how to avoid them: 

1) go on casual dates more. don't just hang out and don't just date one person

2) don't go too fast. Avoid "relationship blindness" where you get married super fast and then you realize that actually, you don't know them at all

3) don't try to "rescue" someone you're dating. As friends that's okay. As ministering whatever that's fine. But you shouldn't be dating someone you're also "fixing".  

My takeaway was mainly the first one. The other two will not be problems for me at all but the first one... ha. I don't really date at all. Maybe I should put more effort into it? I don't know. Dating is hard and it really really doesn't make much sense to me.

My friend did my hair today! That was nice. I've never really had that experience before so it's nice to do that now with someone I like.

Tomorrow is my endowment! Fingers crossed it goes well, and there's good weather.... 

how bizarre. how bizarre!

 - bought some beef liver to improve my iron intake. also because it was cheap! at first I didn't like it at all, but the more I eat it the more it grows on me. I will definitely try it again.

- not much else to report, today. I did a fair bit of writing, went to group therapy, went to devotional, did more writing. For some reason I woke up at 6:00 am today which was fun

- learned about attachment styles in relationships. secure is normal (50% of the population is this), anxious is linked to self esteem issues and usually means being clingy, looking for lots of compliments and reassurance. avoidant is tied to trust issues and means you don't like getting too close. stay away from me. chaotic means you have trust issues AND self esteem issues, so you oscillate wildly.

- fun fact! secure is not necessarily the "best". It is possible to have a perfectly happy anxious-anxious relationship because both people are clingy and meet each others' needs. It's also possibly to have a perfectly happy avoidant-avoidant relationship, where both people stay at arms length and are ok with that.

- i will absolutely be applying this to my OCs

- fun fact: I think a lot of the times that I'm craving sugar I'm actually just dehydrated. something to be aware of, I guess 

What a day (sarcastic)

 yeah it’s been a real one yall

- only one class today but it was a heck of a class

- I was supposed to bring printed copies of an assignment to class except I couldn’t get the printer to work!!!

- so I was late. AND I didn’t have the thing I was supposed to bring with me…

- in the chaos I forgot that I was supposed to be reserving a bowling lane for my FHE group. Whee. So we ended up doing a board game night instead, but that was okay. It was fun. I bought One Night Werewolf for the occasion and we had SO much fun

blah blah razzmatazz

 Some highlights from the last few days:

- the fire alarm went haywire in the apartment above us, so my friend who lives there brought her cat to my dorm. He is currently hiding under the couch

- bookbinding with Sam and her friend! Mine turned out pretty good, we bought jackets for cheap from a thrift store and used the fabric to make a hardcover for the books. I’ve got a very nicely hardcovered copy of the Lightning Thief on my shelf now

- actually fasted this fast Sunday. Usually I forget. It was a weird experience, being hungry for such a large part of the day, but I was able to push through and get things done anyway. I also cooked like three different things after church because I was bored and hungry. 

- stadium singing! Always fun, we sung “put your shoulder to the wheel” which is a favorite song of mine

- significant progress has been made with endowment and mission papers. My endowment is in less than a week and I need to work out snacks and buy the clothes but besides that we are good to go!

- a girl in the ward opened her mission call today and invited the whole ward. There was food. She’s going to the Philippines.