so i miss him sometimes when im feeling depressed

 - dude im so glad i figured out you could use song lyrics as titles. I used to get so stressed about finding good titles and now it's superrr easy... and the fakeout factor is absolutely a bonus

- my tumblr account has 100 followers which is crazy and it also continually surprises me because it means I'll go post a few fairly boring things and the next day there are 16 notifications. 16??? that's. that's just wild to me, how are that many people noticing i exist

- the cool thing is, I wasn't trying for followers and I still don't really care about them. I just a) post a lot about my characters because I like them and like sharing things about them and more importantly b) I'm constantly nosing around other folks' blogs, learning about their OCs and getting excited about them and asking them questions and generally showing interest. It's a community!! it's a give and take and I think sometimes people don't realize that, they're just focused on getting people to like their stuff and that's not really it at all.

- other news... idk man it's the second week of school and I haven't failed my classes yet. I've been spreading the word about the wellness program I volunteer for, which means I've been making announcements in my classes, helping out at the booth we have set up to give out flyers, and baking lots and lots of treats for that booth. Tiny little chocolate chip cookies, mini-muffins. I had such a blast with that hehe

- found several more pinecones :)) I'm having a lot of fun with the pinecone thing I'm not gonna lie... and it's so fun how different all of them are! I thought all pinecones were the same but now that I'm actually collecting them... yeah there are so many different shapes and varieties and sizes and slkdjfslkdjf it's SO cool.

- made beef stew in the slow cooker. it was supposed to cook in a pressure cooker for like... 30 minutes? I thought I could stick it in the slow cooker for 2 hours but that didn't work so I left it in for 5 hours and the potatoes are still kind of crunchy. I think next time I will try making it in a pot instead :/ I also used pork instead of beef and that worked out really well! You can get some really nice pork for very cheap, much less than beef of the same type... I'm definitely going to try pork in some of my other food

- made a series of bad food decisions and now I'm trying to get back to eating healthy. it does NOT help that I still have a bunch of sugar cookies in the living room, but I don't know what to do with them. I may very well just throw them out lol

- my roommate has her boyfriend over all the time which is fine except they always watch movies from around 9 to 12 and bruh I'm trying to focus in my room right now. The wall between the movie room and my own bedroom is quite thin so then I have to put on music of my own and it's kind of irritating. If it was earlier in the day that would be fine because I could just go outside or go to a campus building or something but I'm not doing that after 9 pm, no way

- art is arting. yay! I'm also working on a story that might actually exceed 8 pages, and if it does I think that'll be the longest story I've ever written. so that's neat 

- sam is very busy with her jobs and stuff but we got to hang out on Thursday which was very cool. she came over and I made frosting and then cookies (because I meant to make frosting the first time but accidentally started another batch of cookies so I was like oh well guess we're doing both now) and then she still had time so we went down to look at the art exhibit but there were too many people so we hung out outside and also inside in a creepy stairwell and then the physics nerds majors opened up the observatory so we watched that. Except they were training a new guy so it took longer. We looked at Jupiter and could see its moons, and also the moon because it was full tonight. It was cool watching the roof move and also the whole room was lit with red lighting which made it feel like a proper ~fancy science thing~ because cool tech always gets mood lighting.

- anyway I feel bad bc i wasn't super paying attention lol. I had so much fun hanging out but when it came time for the actual observatory I was quite tired (as tends to happen to me, after 9 pm) so I just kinda lurked in the corner and texted my friend. Sam had fun though, I think, so I'm real happy we went 

he'd just fly me to france

what a dayyy

- tuesday is therapy day which means i have no class but i DO have three different mental health-related things that all fall on the same day! so it's just as busy

- anyway first day of group therapy, went okay as any first day can when you have all the announcements and introductions you have to do. I'm excited for group this semester :)

- discovered Radiohead as a band. very good background music. I haven't really listened to any of the songs but I like how they sound, at least 

- taking more of an active role in THRIVE (wellness society of sorts, meets twice a week, very awesome). We're gonna run a booth at one of the main campus buildings to recruit and try and get people to sign up, so I volunteered to bake a whole bunch of cookies that we could offer to people. Took around two hours, I'd say, to get all of them rolled and baked and now I have around 70, maybe 80 chocolate chip cookies that we're going to hand out. I sure as heck hope we're able to get through all of them because there is absolutely zero way I'm eating more than 3-4 myself.

- roommate makes sourdough! very very cool. the resulting loaf looks very pretty (round and roughly the width of a cheese wheel). It also tastes like it was made with white flour. I can tell, and that means I'm not really going to be eating it too much :(

- ughhh I'm just very tired. I definitely did not make good sleep decisions yesterday and they are coming back to bite me rn. I meant to do at least a few other things today but I don't think that's gonna happen...

- I was definitely wanting to go get a job for the Spring but honestly I'm glad I didn't find one because I just got called to be the ward activities chair... add that to all the other stuff I'm doing and I'm 100% sure I could not handle a job on top of everything else. I'm gonna be real honest I'm not sure what I will do when I'm knee-deep in extremely difficult science classes and also need to be paying for my education. 

- that is... something to figure out another time, I think. Today, I'm going to take a walk and maybe stop by the campus art show. I could use a break...

 

 

because i dont. know anything, actually

the sun is BEAUTIFUL outside right now. it's gorgeous.

I don't know what's wrong with me but the last few days I just keep noticing how beautiful things are. I see art and go sdljfklsdkfjksldfj and I see the sky and I go woiehgskjdvn I see a poem and I'm just spinning around screeching because ahhhh the vibes!!

I don't know what to do with this. There are Emotions and I do not know what to do with them except that they are there and if I don't do something with them I feel like I will explode. Notttt a pleasant feeling. It's pleasant until it gets stuck and then it's like okay okay can we get on with things now

I've taken to eating my potato soup and mac-and-cheese leftovers together!! Mix them together. I think mac-n-cheese might be kinda too much on its own, but it makes excellent seasoning for other food. It's really just cheese and noodles and those go with just about everything...

have i mentioned the sky is beauitful. it's this beautiful mix of orange and light purple outlinging the trees and buildings right outside my window, and it just rained so there are sparkling raindrops right on the window!!!! this is exactly why art feels so unattainable. whatever I can do will pale in comparison to grass and trees and clouds because you can't feel it. so what's the point? GO TOUCH GRASS

wrote a poem. very nice. I think I'm getting the will to write back, at least a little. we'll see if doing homework tomorrow quashes that 

when you are young they assume you know nothing...

Saturday! depression day. doing better than usual all things considered

- Spring Market from 8 to 4 at the middle school. I really wanted to go and I almost didn't but then I did and I'm soooo glad I did. Just on my own, going and looking at all the shops and the vendors and learning all the cool things people made. People had essential oils for your hair, and fancy balsamic vinegar and olive oil bottles that costed $30 each, and homemade "honey lotion", and local artists selling their art. It was amazing. People are so cool. I don't know how I ever thought life was bad when people are like that. It's amazing what people can do...

- I'm nearly done with my scarf! last color, then I have to even them out, then I have to add tassels on the end, and then it will be done! It will probably be ugly, but it will be done!! and then I can start a new project. I think I like crochetting, even if it doesn't look very good.

- D&D with my family! went really good. my mom is DMing for the first time in a while, and she just came up to us a week ago and asked us to make characters!! So we made characters and then the adventure was actually a The Arcana knockoff!! It was AWESOME because we didn't realize until we were in the Palace library and staring at a "dude with a gold arm and red sash" and a "pretentious noble with braided hair" and it was like BRUH

- it was even better because a bunch of my own characters were in it!! my characters. from my brain. in a D&D adventure. i am soooo flattered 

is there a place I can stayyayeeay

 Some good things:

- my hair looks cool today

- sleepover with Sam! Very pleasant. I’m hating the dog less now

- D&D!! My mom planned a one shot. I’m sooo pumped, the first session was today and it was GREAT. Slightly regretting my choice of character. Not nearly cool enough for the absolute chaos that ensued

- been on a good music kick. Good music is good

- homework is good. Got stuff done 👌🏼

Right now though things are kinda sucky. The productivity mostly keeps the depression away but it is definitely still there. It’s hard to interact with people. I was much more social last month and just. Mannn I want to talk to people, why can’t I enjoy it?

And there’s also the fact that I’ve gotten “stuck” again. Just a thing that happens where I find a spot to chill and then I lose the energy and can’t get myself to leave the place. It’s not great when I’m at home because I can’t go outside and that’s not healthy but it’s worse when I get stuck somewhere else, like a campus building on the other end of campus. Maybe I should just sleep in the corner, except I know the janitor staff will kick me out if I try…

Also writing. I want to write I really do! I have a writing group with prompts!! But suddenly I just can’t think of anything to write?? All the things I think of sound boring or bad. :(((

Anywho. I’m gonna go home and make zucchini muffins, maybe that’ll help

one day these titles might make more sense but it aint gonna be today

 i feel slightly like i've been put through a washing machine cycle the last few days lol except i suppose it would be more accurate to say I've been put through the dryer. It's been in the 70s outside and meanwhile the heat is somehow stuck on in our apartment which means it was nearly in the 90s depending on how close you were to a window. I didn't mind so much when I was just doing computer things or whatever because that kinda tunes you out of your surroundings but there was no way in heck i was going to fall asleep in my room so I slept on the couch instead. I have no idea how my roommates managed to sleep in their rooms I think I would have died if I tried to do that

first day of school yesterday! whether it went well or not depends on how you look at it. I had a fairly good day compared to last week -- got out of the house, spent a lot of time on my feet and outside, found places outside and in cafes and things to work on stuff. It was very nice, beautiful weather. I even went grocery shopping! good stuff

however in the framework of school-school we've got a lot of room to improve I think. missed my first class and the first ten min of my second class. since last semester I have gotten much worse at getting myself out of bed and this is not a good thing when it comes to making it to class on time. It's all fine and fixable and I'm not too worried

my car is also currently sitting in the grocery store parking lot because I somehow lost the keys. I do not recommend doing this. Luckily, it was in a parking lot that would not get me fined for leaving my car there. I checked (remember last time???). anyway I'm going to keep looking for my keys but I'm also going to go to the locksmith and see how much it would cost to get a new set because honestly I'm not very hopeful of finding the old one

my new religion teacher is cool, but definitely slightly loud. And trips over his words a little. Veryyy enthusiastic. He has good reviews and I think the class seems like it's going to be pretty easy all things considered. I'm glad at least of one of them will be

My desktop is now all set up! for a few days, but I think I forgot to mention it last time. But yup it's all here and accounted for, which is good. I think I've got everything I need now except for my hot pads which somehow went missing? Everything else is here though which is great. I was definitely expecting to lose something much more important and so far it seems like I have managed to avoid that... bonus! my new room has a bunch of framed art that the last resident left! Very happy about that. Looks really nice with the rest of the decor 

 

photodump part ι