because i dont. know anything, actually

the sun is BEAUTIFUL outside right now. it's gorgeous.

I don't know what's wrong with me but the last few days I just keep noticing how beautiful things are. I see art and go sdljfklsdkfjksldfj and I see the sky and I go woiehgskjdvn I see a poem and I'm just spinning around screeching because ahhhh the vibes!!

I don't know what to do with this. There are Emotions and I do not know what to do with them except that they are there and if I don't do something with them I feel like I will explode. Notttt a pleasant feeling. It's pleasant until it gets stuck and then it's like okay okay can we get on with things now

I've taken to eating my potato soup and mac-and-cheese leftovers together!! Mix them together. I think mac-n-cheese might be kinda too much on its own, but it makes excellent seasoning for other food. It's really just cheese and noodles and those go with just about everything...

have i mentioned the sky is beauitful. it's this beautiful mix of orange and light purple outlinging the trees and buildings right outside my window, and it just rained so there are sparkling raindrops right on the window!!!! this is exactly why art feels so unattainable. whatever I can do will pale in comparison to grass and trees and clouds because you can't feel it. so what's the point? GO TOUCH GRASS

wrote a poem. very nice. I think I'm getting the will to write back, at least a little. we'll see if doing homework tomorrow quashes that 

when you are young they assume you know nothing...

Saturday! depression day. doing better than usual all things considered

- Spring Market from 8 to 4 at the middle school. I really wanted to go and I almost didn't but then I did and I'm soooo glad I did. Just on my own, going and looking at all the shops and the vendors and learning all the cool things people made. People had essential oils for your hair, and fancy balsamic vinegar and olive oil bottles that costed $30 each, and homemade "honey lotion", and local artists selling their art. It was amazing. People are so cool. I don't know how I ever thought life was bad when people are like that. It's amazing what people can do...

- I'm nearly done with my scarf! last color, then I have to even them out, then I have to add tassels on the end, and then it will be done! It will probably be ugly, but it will be done!! and then I can start a new project. I think I like crochetting, even if it doesn't look very good.

- D&D with my family! went really good. my mom is DMing for the first time in a while, and she just came up to us a week ago and asked us to make characters!! So we made characters and then the adventure was actually a The Arcana knockoff!! It was AWESOME because we didn't realize until we were in the Palace library and staring at a "dude with a gold arm and red sash" and a "pretentious noble with braided hair" and it was like BRUH

- it was even better because a bunch of my own characters were in it!! my characters. from my brain. in a D&D adventure. i am soooo flattered 

is there a place I can stayyayeeay

 Some good things:

- my hair looks cool today

- sleepover with Sam! Very pleasant. I’m hating the dog less now

- D&D!! My mom planned a one shot. I’m sooo pumped, the first session was today and it was GREAT. Slightly regretting my choice of character. Not nearly cool enough for the absolute chaos that ensued

- been on a good music kick. Good music is good

- homework is good. Got stuff done 👌🏼

Right now though things are kinda sucky. The productivity mostly keeps the depression away but it is definitely still there. It’s hard to interact with people. I was much more social last month and just. Mannn I want to talk to people, why can’t I enjoy it?

And there’s also the fact that I’ve gotten “stuck” again. Just a thing that happens where I find a spot to chill and then I lose the energy and can’t get myself to leave the place. It’s not great when I’m at home because I can’t go outside and that’s not healthy but it’s worse when I get stuck somewhere else, like a campus building on the other end of campus. Maybe I should just sleep in the corner, except I know the janitor staff will kick me out if I try…

Also writing. I want to write I really do! I have a writing group with prompts!! But suddenly I just can’t think of anything to write?? All the things I think of sound boring or bad. :(((

Anywho. I’m gonna go home and make zucchini muffins, maybe that’ll help

one day these titles might make more sense but it aint gonna be today

 i feel slightly like i've been put through a washing machine cycle the last few days lol except i suppose it would be more accurate to say I've been put through the dryer. It's been in the 70s outside and meanwhile the heat is somehow stuck on in our apartment which means it was nearly in the 90s depending on how close you were to a window. I didn't mind so much when I was just doing computer things or whatever because that kinda tunes you out of your surroundings but there was no way in heck i was going to fall asleep in my room so I slept on the couch instead. I have no idea how my roommates managed to sleep in their rooms I think I would have died if I tried to do that

first day of school yesterday! whether it went well or not depends on how you look at it. I had a fairly good day compared to last week -- got out of the house, spent a lot of time on my feet and outside, found places outside and in cafes and things to work on stuff. It was very nice, beautiful weather. I even went grocery shopping! good stuff

however in the framework of school-school we've got a lot of room to improve I think. missed my first class and the first ten min of my second class. since last semester I have gotten much worse at getting myself out of bed and this is not a good thing when it comes to making it to class on time. It's all fine and fixable and I'm not too worried

my car is also currently sitting in the grocery store parking lot because I somehow lost the keys. I do not recommend doing this. Luckily, it was in a parking lot that would not get me fined for leaving my car there. I checked (remember last time???). anyway I'm going to keep looking for my keys but I'm also going to go to the locksmith and see how much it would cost to get a new set because honestly I'm not very hopeful of finding the old one

my new religion teacher is cool, but definitely slightly loud. And trips over his words a little. Veryyy enthusiastic. He has good reviews and I think the class seems like it's going to be pretty easy all things considered. I'm glad at least of one of them will be

My desktop is now all set up! for a few days, but I think I forgot to mention it last time. But yup it's all here and accounted for, which is good. I think I've got everything I need now except for my hot pads which somehow went missing? Everything else is here though which is great. I was definitely expecting to lose something much more important and so far it seems like I have managed to avoid that... bonus! my new room has a bunch of framed art that the last resident left! Very happy about that. Looks really nice with the rest of the decor 

 

photodump part ι

 

dadadum dadadum dum dum~

 it uhhh it been a while. i blame depression <3 and also the fact that literally nothing happened this entire week. Spring break. spent a good portion of most days just laying around because I didn't have the energy to get up but I also wasn't sleepy so I couldn't sleep --

yeah. not the best

right now I'm sitting in my apartment absolutely ROASTING because somehow the heat has gotten stuck on. the floor is heated the heat is going and it's like 70 degrees outside so I am dYING

really not much else to say. played hollow knight wrote things drew things. drew a very nice pose with a dress and skirt and everything and I am 90% sure I would be unable to replicate it if I tried again but there you have it

tomorrow is classes! we'll see how that goes. Biology biology biology and religion, that's the lineup 

la-dee-la-dee-da-dee-dammmmm

 what a day mannnn

Rare Item Found: two cooking days in a row! even weirder, both tasted good... and most of the dishes are done now. To be fair a bunch of that was Sam because she is a dish WIZARD but still. I did at least some dishes today, AND I put a bunch of new stuff away into cupboards. I'm gonna be all confused for a few weeks because I don't know where anything is, but on the plus side of things I have a big cup full of knives now! And a bunch of matching cups. And some nice plates. and --

Yeah a bunch of roommates left stuff around and a lot of it's getting donated, but before that I nabbed a bunch of things. So now I have twice as many pans, and a bunch of plates and bowls and cups and spatulas and also a toaster and a blender!! I'm very pleased with myself, this is bringing me back to high school when I'd always be on the lookout for free food I could scavenge. Not because I didn't have food, I just forgot to bring any to school so I always went to the cafeteria and got a carton or two of milk and a piece of fruit. They served "breakfast" but that was just really sweet cereal and a Capri-Sun and I didn't really want either of those. So! Milk.

I've also been quite the yappy mood today as I'm guessing you can tell from the two LONG paragraphs above. Did some writing, did some research for said writing, stumbled onto several canon quotes that backed up a theory I'd had spinning around for a longggg time. Very pleased with that, because usually my theories are stuff that I pull out of the air and can't support. Not ideal! 

So of course I went through the entire recording I had made of the chapter and wrote down the exact dialogue as spoken in the game, and wrote up a somewhat unpolished essay on how the dialogue in this one chapter backs up my theory!!!!

And now I'm just kinda rambling here too. It must have been a slow day. I think I get a bit more ramble-y when I haven't got out much. My fault. I should get out more but it was a Tired day so I didn't except for a walk around the block. Maybe I should make a rule that as long as I'm doing nothing useful on my phone I might as well do it outside. That would get me some fresh air, at least?

Other stuff about the day.... oh here's something -- Sam has a new job now! She's going to older folks' homes to help them with stuff. Very cool and I think it suits her REALLY well like she's the sweetest and she really likes helping people and she tells me all the time that she really likes old people in particular. So I'm super happy for her :)))) (kinda making me antsy, though, about the fact that I don't have a job. I should really have one by now --)

Lavender nail polish I put on three days ago is still relatively intact today, even though I'd been moving boxes and messing with beds and cooking and allll the things. I'm actually quite happy with that, it's quite the durable nail polish! Finally took it off today, though, because my nails were getting a bit long and I wanted to cut them, and also they were starting to hurt and I didn't want to leave the polish on too long becaues it's bad for the nails.

Depression scarf really earned its name today though. After my temporary writing second wind I was very tired so I went to camp out on my bed and crocheted. Probably spent at least two hours on that before I finally got out of bed to... I don't even remember. But it was long enough that my head started to hurt because I was dehydrated. 

Fun new thing learned: Asian food is sometimes more forgiving than American food because it has so many strong flavors in it. I made egg roll bowls with burnt rice and very haphazardly measured spices and turkey instead of pork and like a bunch of other things and somehow it still tasted roughly equivalent to normal. Compared to a lot of other stuff I try to make that tastes a bit off no matter how hard I try to make it correctly, I appreciated that a LOT. Tangentially, I think next thing I cook will probably be soup in my slow cooker. I have not used it yet and I think I would like to.

Also up for the next few days: my computer! Desktop tower, I mean. It's still in the wrong apartment. Every day I go down to game for an hour or two. Then I'm like yeah I should probably move this at some point and then every time I'm like ...NAH that's a problem for future me so it's still there.

writing or drawing canon characters scares me. I don't like it. If it's my own character I can draw them however I want and nobody can jump me in an alleyway for drawing it wrong. But canon characters... oh no people have OPINIONS. I usually try not to care so much, but it does kind of stress me out because I know that if I get a canon character "wrong" then people won't bother to read or interact with whatever I did. And like. Sure if I get a canon character right then people will be interested but I'm not really confident that I can do that.

 Only one other person currently in the new apartment with me. Her name is Brooklyn and she is also new. She has two guys who are usually hanging around with her or helping her move in or eating her food -- one of them is the boyfriend and the other one just seems to be here for some reason. Not entirely sure what the deal is there. But she has made the effort to talk to me, which I appreciated? Her room is right next to mine and I hear that one song "Baby, baby baby OHHHH" like at least twice a day. I think it might be her alarm. Also sometimes she has her boyfriend in there and they'll be laughing really screechingly and it's like GUYS IM RIGHT HERE so that's fun. Good thing I have earplugs