sea lavender

 Good news (?) turns out the stuff in my head was anxiety which is actually a completely normal condition to have and I’m not dying. Sunday was a TIME because I was freaking out and apparently if you freak out at your own brain is just makes things worse. Thus saith the therapist guy I talked to on Monday. Apparently I was  “ruminating” and if I want to fix that I just need to let the thoughts show up without wigging out or obsessing over them. And keep myself busy, focus on the present and the situation at hand

I never quite understood why some people are so busy and always doing things but I kinda get it now. If you’re doing things then you don’t have to sit with your own head going in circles. So I found lots of things to do today and yesterday, answered prompts, made food, tied my pinecones, went to bed on time. It’s weird because I used to find stuff to do only because I didn’t want to be bored, and now I’m doing it to give my head something to do that’s productive. Like making kids do chores so they don’t just lay around all day…

Spirit week this week. Free food most days, which is good when I forget to eat. Group therapy was cancelled :( 

Learning the importance of whimsey. Crucial weapon against bad mental health, must be maintained at all costs

Painted toenails. Much more pleasant to have than I thought. I’ll be in my bed feeling like I’m having a fun sleepover even though it’s just me hehe

Many projects bopping around. Wanting to do them and struggling to get started…

I’ve heard it said multiple times that autistic folks can hyperfixate on people rather than hobbies or objects or whatever. Weird experience. Most subjects of hyperfixation aren’t sentient or real enough to care :(

Hasn’t gotten horrendously hot yet and I am incredibly grateful. Some people escape the outside world by relaxing in their warm bed and comfy home and meanwhile I’m like I need to get the BIRB out of my house. Let’s stay out as long as physically possible until I have to go back to eat. Maybe I should bring food with me so I can stay out longer…

limonium

Burnout day went to class didn’t do anything else got home called my mother and showed her some art and poetry and character charts got talking about some other things got talking about MORE things finished after two hours took a nap slept for a very long time, comparatively

I dunno what I did for a bit after that it’s kind of a blank section of memory went to Sam’s walked to the farmer’s market poked around a bit she took me to the grocery store (thanks girl) dragged me to a ward party (incorrect. I came of my own free will and choice) I managed to socialize for 40 minutes which is actually quite a lot and then went to sit on the grass it’s 8 o’clock and it’s still light out which is WILD I’ve been introducing myself as the new name I’m going by and it was cool being able to do it so much at a party the entire time Sam and her roommate were short and I felt way too tall so I tried to bend my knees so I was shorter but that wasn’t really sustainable so I sat down and then the talking was too much so I went and sat on the grass and then it rained. 

delphinium (don’t read into the flower trend lol)

 

chrysanthemum

 

would everybody please give him a little bit of space

i do believe i may have achieved burnout but it's weird because usually it's from schoolwork or losing my keys or whatever but this time it's actually just oversocializing. It would seem one can actually get burnt out from that, which I never would have guessed when usually I'm sitting around being lonely buuuut here we are

- walks. amazing invention you go around walking and there's fresh air and just yeahhh amazing. clears your head like nothing else

- legit biology is my best class right now. almost entirely 100%. I am completely unsurprising and also very scared about how the rest of my classes will turn out because my current religion class is grading me entirely on participation and focus and tardiness. nonono i can't do that. I am in Bio class right now writing a blog post and I will be completely fine for the test. Meanwhile I am failing the religion class... will probably withdraw later...... 

 - dentist appointment! only time that would work was at 8 am before my first class at 10. Made it, surprise, but didn't eat anything. Actual appointment went just peachy and I'm very proud of the entire situation because it took a lot of energy to even book the appointment...

- felt like my hair was super ugly. Figured out that I just had my bangs wrong. Feeling much better now

- very sick of the summer already. All of my best outfits are completely untenable. I want a refund

- very anxious. need to stop thinking someone please turn my brain off it is making no sense and every circle it runs around in I get less confident that I can trust anything it says ever. Please shut up sir

- pretty sure I messed something up pretty badly and I hate not being able to fix it and I'm just Not Thinking About it right now except that's kind of hard because I'm lowkey thinking about literally everything and -- 

I think you’re a bad idea

 WELL ITS BEEN A WHILE HUH

Let’s um. Attempt to summerize, I suppose

- started a new scarf. This is good because the mental health has been VERY BAD and I need something to do with myself

- speaking of! I’ve figured out that stimming helps. A lot. My hands or rocking or making noise over and over again. Probably other things too. Hard to feel like I can do this around other people but it really helps when I’m alone and freaking out

- I’m so sick of being mentally ill

- SO SICK

- scarf is nice. Sparkly velvet yarn. It’s going to be really pretty once it’s done

- several very nice outfits lately

- finally got around to showering. This is good. Also my hair gets all floofy and nice when I wash it. I LOVE it when it does that.

- need to get outside more. Not getting outside enough

- staying more or less on top of schoolwork!!! This is very good. Besides one specific lab assignment that I’ve gotten stuck on. The instructions were not very specific and I don’t like it. 

- made spaghetti. It’s nice to eat that when I’m tired and don’t want to make anything else

- nausea is back. Every time I wake up. Just nauseous the ENTIRE day

- did I mention I’ve been mentally ill? I’ve been mentally ill

- went to an art museum!!! Very cool. The most cool. It’s right by a river 

- went to a farmers market. Ended up being a combo of crafts, other artisans, and the OCCASIONAL farmer. very very cool. I got rhubarb and made jam with it

- fndjfjejwbrh

i hate to see you waiting

Fun fact if you get yourself to go to things even though you're pretty sure they're going to suck, they tend to not suck!! Which is nice. And then you have a good rest of the day and it's like whoa, life isn't terrible!

Game night yesterday. I made mini cheesecakes. Kudos to my dear mother for the recipe, because they tasted really good and the other folks at the thing agreed with that sentiment. It's sooo nice going to things where I can make food for it!! Otherwise I make the food and then I can't eat it all. Moral of the story, host lots of parties so you can make food for them. I guess.

Spent a bunch of time freaking myself out about a lab I had to go to, because I hadn't done the homework in three weeks or any of the prep work. Turns out, they tell you exactly how to do the lab in class, and none of the prep work is necessary. Also, you can do the lab completely on your own if you want, because the size of my particular class was so small. That was GREAT. As it was, I grouped up with one other person, and she did the technology and I did literally everything else and it was actually the best science lab experience I've had in a long long time. I hope they're all like that.

Busy day ahead but it's all in the evening. Bio class where you can ignore the professor the entire hour + THRIVE + optometry society. I've got a good three hours before then so I believe I shall attend the temple. Should do that more often.

PS: I've figured out a thing that is slightly helping with losing stuff: I've got a jar and I put all of my useful stuff into that jar when I'm not using it. Key fob and knife and airpods and car keys and glasses and they all go into the one jar. 10/10 very helpful