don’t even have the energy to write this song

 spring break! slow. Still need to get my computer up here but 💀💀💀 the cablessss

Besides that idk man we’re just kinda doing the usual. Made to the grocery store which is a win. Did some drawing. Having a bit of an existential crisis which I’m sure would resolve if I went outside and touched grass but that’s hard and I’m tired

Got my new room mostly set up though and that’s nice? Currently having issues with sleep. Either I take my sleep medication and go to sleep on time but I can’t get out of bed or I don’t take it and go to sleep at a thoughly unreasonable hour. Do I want to be in bed for 10 hours or 6?? 

GPA keeps dropping and I’m not a fan. Apparently I only get to keep my major if my GPA stays higher than it is and. REALLY. I do all this work to even get here and choose a major only to learn that I will get kicked out if I have a bad year?? I’m. I don’t know what to do with that. 

Oh it’s fine I’ll be okay it’s fine not to be amazing with classes — except, apparently, if I want to be an optometrist. Then you have to be awesome or you get kicked out. 

But you know. You can probably ignore half of this, I’m just depressed. GOSH I hate being depressed I hate it so much

I’m too far gone

 Well uh it would seem that finals week has come and gone. I hope it’s not too late to submit my final writing project >.>

Clean checks also done! That was a DEAD TIRED day and honestly I’m surprised I did any cleaning at all. Only $35 dollars charged for negligence which is substantially less than it could have been —

Two very cool drawings in the last week, I’m very happy with that. <insert GIF of Crazy Dave saying “on a ROLLLLL!!”>.

Anyway the good news is I haven’t died but gosh the mental health is suboptimal to say the least

At least a few friends are also home for break!! This is good bc  I won’t be left alone and sad :’)

Last Lazy Board Game Society meeting of the semester! Usually we meet at the game store but this time was SPECIAL so we met at the local Kareoke ice cream bar 👍🏼 which also has a bunch of vintage board games on the second floor. The food is pretty expensive but that’s bc you’re also paying for the experience. Whole aesthetic is very… unique… and all the food is fancy.

As always the portion sizes were way too big but I hope at some point I’ll be able to try the “Elvis” flavor. Banana ice cream plus caramel plus peanut butter plus bacon. As it was, I got a chicken salad. Spicy. Lots of fancy lettuce in the bottom, the kind that makes your mouth burn a little.

Whole apartment is clean and sad now. Nothing on the counters nothing on the end table, most of my bedroom decor was taken down all my food is stuffed in bags… feels like all the life is getting drained out of it. Not my favorite thing

But you know. Drawing good, poetry good. I’ve produced at least three things I’m genuinely happy about this week and I think that’s definitely a win.

photodump part θ

 

photodump part η!!!

 

don't get sleep

annd here's the rest of the week so far -- 

- very chill. last class was monday and very chill, just reading our writing to the class if we want, eating treats. I forgot I was supposed to bring treats so I was late, but fortunately I still had s'more supplies from an earlier FHE activity that I planned so I improvised little s'more bites.

- there wasn't any fruit!! or anything healthy, besides water. I was mad about that. Why do people go out of their way to provide gluten-free or dairy-free food, but not healthy food! sooo many people are on diets these days. what about them???

- like i just went to a movie yesterday. Super Mario Galaxy movie, very good, also the ending was literally the worst it possibly could have been <3 but yeah we got snacks beforehand and legit there wasn't a single thing I could find that actually sounded good. Just chips and candy all the way down. The theater sold chocolate milk and strawberry milk but NOT regular milk. what is up with that???

- anyway. im recovering from the road trip. mostly taking it easy. trying to get out more, because i don't go out as much as I should. working on getting my work in. I think some of it is already late. oh well. im just kinda done lol

- i'd been a writing kick for a bit but I've been doing a few more art things, and that's been fun :3

- idk man im not sure there's much to say. slow week. not too much going. slightly depressed. you know 

for someone really special

 aight here's the bad side of it

- left late. stressful. worried about getting there on time. Not sure how to talk to Eva because we'd never been on a roadtrip before. Otherwise the drive in wasn't bad.

- parking was a little stressful but I didn't need to worry so much -- the lot was nearly empty and super easy to check in to. we walked a few blocks to the conference center and got in line for our tickets. The line was long enough I could tell we had a fair chance of not getting in. That was ok with me, I knew from the start there would be a chance of that, and we'd left late. Oh well, in the meantime we can appreciate the scenery

- plus Eva loves plants so she was telling me lots of cool things about plants and getting really excited about various trees and such. I appreciated that, and it helped keep my mind off of the fact we were waiting in a very long line.

- didn't get tickets, got put in the old tabernacle instead. not my favorite thing, especially because I got separated from Eva and that was stressful to figure out. We found each other but then ended up going outside. Part of it was because there were a LOT of people and I think Eva was anxious about that but also because the Tabernacle was stuffy and warm and I didn't really want to be there either.

- didn't bring anything to eat, because food isn't allowed in the conference center... that was a mistake. We were very hungry by the end of the session. Walked back, admired the different buildings and people we passed. Had some time to burn before our next appointment so I went exploring and found a cool mall right by the parking lot! bought a little piece of a geode. that was really cool. still kinda worried about Eva, couldn't tell if she was doing well or not. it stresses me out when I don't know.

- had fun with Taryn! gelato :)) provo is pretty. but there was also a bit of a scary bit where we didn't know where Eva was. Turned out she was just in the bathroom and there was nothing to worry about lol but that was definitely not the most fun ten minutes of my life

-  also we left from that a little late too. we did a lot of cool things but I think more things than I had energy for, so by the end of that I was a bit burned out :'(

 

- next day! food was good but also we left WAY too late. that was nerve-wracking. I also didn't quite know what to do with myself. Eventually settled with listening to music, crocheting, painting my nails. but there was a certain amount of uhhhh where do I sit what do I do. I feel out of place

- the hike had a lot of flies around. they buzzed all around us, landed on us, and bit our faces... not the best. Eva noticed more than I did -- I didn't realize they'd bitten me at all until after I was back in the car. Also I think I got a little sunburned. the trail didn't have any shade lol

- Eva drove the car harder than I do, and that stressed me out. Irrationally, of course. but there was a hairy bit where I asked her to drive because my nerves were kinda worn thin and I was a little tired and wanted to rest, except I could hear the engine and it didn't sound right and that strESSED me out. I tried my best to ignore it buuut

- then the car started having serious issues when we got to Eva's sister's place. Issues almost exactly the same to the ones we had when we initially drove that same car to college for the first time. And those issues were very stressful and delayed us a lot and so... yeah. Just too much. Too much stress. Had an emotional breakdown. that was fun

- car was fixed pretty easily but it still took me like an hour to get back to feeling relatively ok and even then I cried in the car several times. Also didn't help how tired I was! grabbed a Mountain Dew Kickstart to help me stay awake and it was quite good! Very appreciative that those exist. Less sugar, slightly more caffeine. Now we just need someone to invent caffeinated juice/sparkling water and we'll be set for life

- got home. still feeling bad. stopped at Sam's place and cried a bit. felt better, went home, got some sleep. still glad I went but BOY that was rough 

do something special

 uh it been a while ain't it whoops

road trip! definitely meant to talk about that, somehow I didn't. let's do that.

- left early in the morning, but later than I hoped. As a result we weren't able to get tickets for Conference! so we sat outside in the garden and smelled the flowers and listened to conference from some speakers set up outside. I liked it, but that was definitely not the original plan lol

- met up with my friend who goes to BYU Provo! that was fun, we haven't talked in a while. She told me about a cool poetry book. I definitely want to get better at poetry and it's encouraging to hear that several of my friends are also working on that :)

- stayed at my uncles' house, that was cool. we watched a really cool documentary called Free Solo. I definitely want to watch documentaries more often. Much more interesting than most fiction, and less likely to make my writer brain annoyed. Plus -- you learn cool stuff!!

-  next morning -- very nice. we had french toast. BEST french toast I've ever had. 11/10 no notes

-  went to Antelope Island which is right on the Great Salt Lake. the road we used to get in had a GORGEOUS view and then the actual island was really cool too. we saw a buffalo from very far away, which is i think the best way we could have seen one. There were lots of lovely plants and I took a bunch of pictures. Rocks and plants and it was just soooo cool. 

-  dropped my friend Eva who came with me off at her sister's house, because it was Easter and she wanted to spend time with her family, and drove home. Got back at a decent hour, all things considered. 

- and yeah. that's the weekend. The good side of it, anyway. I think I'll also do a bad side post as well--