for someone really special

 aight here's the bad side of it

- left late. stressful. worried about getting there on time. Not sure how to talk to Eva because we'd never been on a roadtrip before. Otherwise the drive in wasn't bad.

- parking was a little stressful but I didn't need to worry so much -- the lot was nearly empty and super easy to check in to. we walked a few blocks to the conference center and got in line for our tickets. The line was long enough I could tell we had a fair chance of not getting in. That was ok with me, I knew from the start there would be a chance of that, and we'd left late. Oh well, in the meantime we can appreciate the scenery

- plus Eva loves plants so she was telling me lots of cool things about plants and getting really excited about various trees and such. I appreciated that, and it helped keep my mind off of the fact we were waiting in a very long line.

- didn't get tickets, got put in the old tabernacle instead. not my favorite thing, especially because I got separated from Eva and that was stressful to figure out. We found each other but then ended up going outside. Part of it was because there were a LOT of people and I think Eva was anxious about that but also because the Tabernacle was stuffy and warm and I didn't really want to be there either.

- didn't bring anything to eat, because food isn't allowed in the conference center... that was a mistake. We were very hungry by the end of the session. Walked back, admired the different buildings and people we passed. Had some time to burn before our next appointment so I went exploring and found a cool mall right by the parking lot! bought a little piece of a geode. that was really cool. still kinda worried about Eva, couldn't tell if she was doing well or not. it stresses me out when I don't know.

- had fun with Taryn! gelato :)) provo is pretty. but there was also a bit of a scary bit where we didn't know where Eva was. Turned out she was just in the bathroom and there was nothing to worry about lol but that was definitely not the most fun ten minutes of my life

-  also we left from that a little late too. we did a lot of cool things but I think more things than I had energy for, so by the end of that I was a bit burned out :'(

 

- next day! food was good but also we left WAY too late. that was nerve-wracking. I also didn't quite know what to do with myself. Eventually settled with listening to music, crocheting, painting my nails. but there was a certain amount of uhhhh where do I sit what do I do. I feel out of place

- the hike had a lot of flies around. they buzzed all around us, landed on us, and bit our faces... not the best. Eva noticed more than I did -- I didn't realize they'd bitten me at all until after I was back in the car. Also I think I got a little sunburned. the trail didn't have any shade lol

- Eva drove the car harder than I do, and that stressed me out. Irrationally, of course. but there was a hairy bit where I asked her to drive because my nerves were kinda worn thin and I was a little tired and wanted to rest, except I could hear the engine and it didn't sound right and that strESSED me out. I tried my best to ignore it buuut

- then the car started having serious issues when we got to Eva's sister's place. Issues almost exactly the same to the ones we had when we initially drove that same car to college for the first time. And those issues were very stressful and delayed us a lot and so... yeah. Just too much. Too much stress. Had an emotional breakdown. that was fun

- car was fixed pretty easily but it still took me like an hour to get back to feeling relatively ok and even then I cried in the car several times. Also didn't help how tired I was! grabbed a Mountain Dew Kickstart to help me stay awake and it was quite good! Very appreciative that those exist. Less sugar, slightly more caffeine. Now we just need someone to invent caffeinated juice/sparkling water and we'll be set for life

- got home. still feeling bad. stopped at Sam's place and cried a bit. felt better, went home, got some sleep. still glad I went but BOY that was rough 

do something special

 uh it been a while ain't it whoops

road trip! definitely meant to talk about that, somehow I didn't. let's do that.

- left early in the morning, but later than I hoped. As a result we weren't able to get tickets for Conference! so we sat outside in the garden and smelled the flowers and listened to conference from some speakers set up outside. I liked it, but that was definitely not the original plan lol

- met up with my friend who goes to BYU Provo! that was fun, we haven't talked in a while. She told me about a cool poetry book. I definitely want to get better at poetry and it's encouraging to hear that several of my friends are also working on that :)

- stayed at my uncles' house, that was cool. we watched a really cool documentary called Free Solo. I definitely want to watch documentaries more often. Much more interesting than most fiction, and less likely to make my writer brain annoyed. Plus -- you learn cool stuff!!

-  next morning -- very nice. we had french toast. BEST french toast I've ever had. 11/10 no notes

-  went to Antelope Island which is right on the Great Salt Lake. the road we used to get in had a GORGEOUS view and then the actual island was really cool too. we saw a buffalo from very far away, which is i think the best way we could have seen one. There were lots of lovely plants and I took a bunch of pictures. Rocks and plants and it was just soooo cool. 

-  dropped my friend Eva who came with me off at her sister's house, because it was Easter and she wanted to spend time with her family, and drove home. Got back at a decent hour, all things considered. 

- and yeah. that's the weekend. The good side of it, anyway. I think I'll also do a bad side post as well-- 

Photo dump part ζ

 

they’re going to eat him alive

- Ehehe fic posted! That’s always a bit weird. Like. Bruh I’m an actual writer. I am posting Things. On AO3. What is this

- too many ideas. Some days (a lot of days) I wake up and immediately I have the Writing Zoomies so I spend a rather frenetic two hours writing the thing that has appeared in my skull and then I’m like WELL. That happened

- it continues to surprise me every time writing Occurs because it sure doesn’t feel like something I control. The writing spirits demand that I write and thus I do (being slightly dramatic lol but like. only slightly)

- yesterday was very much a Pinecone Day. I mentioned earlier that I write important days on a piece of paper and attach it as a label to a pinecone. Yesterday was VERY pinecone

- wind. As a poetic concept. Interesting, especially because it is windy here

- on the name grind again. Comment below—what vibes does Alyssa have? How about Felicity? Quill? Finnick?

that poor man

 - whoops i think i missed a day

weeeeird conversation with a random guy today. i was crocheting in a school building and this guy comes along and just plunks down right next to me--there's basically nobody else here, mind you, it's the weekend. 

anyway, it's like a sort of normal conversation at first, but then he said he was on the spectrum, and I was like hey me too! and then it all just kind of went downhill from there, because I think he took that as an invitation to tell me his entire worldview (the world is against me and judgement will fall on all of them). I was like okay, sure, I can debate? Except every time I started to say something he'd either interrupt me or act like my question was stupid and the answer was obvious (note that the apparently obvious answer was never actually given)

So eventually I realized it wasn't really going anywhere. Told him I had to go eat cuz I'd been there a while (which was true) and left. But. bruh what on EARTH

 other than that, though...

- spent a good portion of the day formatting the screenplay segment I wrote to post on AO3. Fun fact, if you want a work to come out without the default font and everything, you actually have to use a combo of CSS and HTML to make it display. So I got to do a bit of learning there, and that was confusing. It helped that Nathan from my writing group sent me a link to several guides, because they made things a lot easier to understand.

- woke up ridiculously early again. do not recommend. had to keep songs playing for a good three hours to keep myself energized. brother

- found a real fun picrew. Most picrew are fun, of course, but this one was for hand-holding which, in my opinion, is better. No worries about getting the face right or the hair right. Just skin tone, accessories to show personality. Plus looooots of potential for angst, since you can easily mess up the picture in some way. Put cracks all over the picture, to show it used to be the case but now it isn't. Make one hand ghostly, to show that one member is dead. Cover one hand in blood, implying an "I can fix him" relationship. Etc. etc. etc. anyway if anyone wants to do it I linked it above. send stuff to me, if you end up doing it (manifesting a reylo version from dearest mother)

- Sam curled my hair. also brought me bread. I was going to do those separately but I just realized I actually don't remember when each of those things happened. So.

- Curled my hair, that's never happened before. It was cool, it was all sticky-outy, especially in the back. I definitely wouldn't want to wear it on a date though. That was a one-time experience, I think. I like trying stuff but I only feel obligated to try anything once because the novelty is fun. After that... no promises

- also bread! It tasted JUST like challah bread, made me really nostalgic actually. I still have some in the kitchen

-  anywho. backstory stuff, of course. I'm doing that every day because of the event. It goes another week, so I've still got lots of stuff to come up with and write up! Yesterday the OC of the day was Cardigan. I really liked the story I wrote for her; the doodle was just ok. Cauldron smoke is hard to do well because ideally it should have good texture, and I don't know how to do that 👌

-  meant to go to the temple today. Dang it, I don't think I'll be able to.. actually no. You know what I was going to go on an egg hunt but honestly I don't really feel like it now. Which... I feel bad not going, since it's hosted by a guy I know, but also it's late at night, in the dark, goes until 10 o'clock. I really struggle to do social things after eight.

- so. maybe I will go to the temple. HMMM

speaking of, though -- i did go to D&D, and that was because I missed the weekly meetup with physics guy. Who I sort of like, but also mostly just want to be friends with. Anyway I brought him my chocolate zucchini muffins that I made for Gondor Independence Day (thank you sam for informing me that was a thing) and helped him make a character and then we went to the thing!

it was mostly good. it was around 7-8 folks with very low level characters, and not a single DM there had prepared a low-level adventure. So they got one of the more experienced DMs to plan one on the spot! For an adventure that was planned 100% by the seat of his pants, I thought it was excellently done so. mad respect to that guy, especially since he usually doesn't even play D&D.

except surprise! the D&D gods (the moderators of the event) declared that everyone had to switch character sheets, pass them all to the right. o-O and me and Dallin had just made our characters so this was extra fun for both of us. I got a half-finished character sheet that the guy next to me had just made, so I had to finish it for him. Dallin got my character sheet, and to his credit he immediately started using a high-pitched voice since she was a girl. Normally I'd be like you go dude because he was really into it. Unfortunately everyone else was weirded out so he didn't get to do that. Someday, I think it'd be real fun to have him as a player in one of my adventures, though. 

- other news... idk. the weather is lovely but a bit windy. which reminds me -- a few days ago I had a real good idea for a writing thing I could do about wind. Symbolism, or something. Wind can mean a lot of things and I thought of a cool metaphor for it... i guess stay tuned.....  

 

who would even need a foot transplant?? Is that something people do?

 - what even happened yesterday. I don’t remember?? Lots of things I’m sure

- burst of creative energy, finished my short play I was writing for a prompt, it turned out pretty good! I’m happy abt that especially because it was about a subject I don’t usually deal with (BACKSTORY *ominous piano chord*)

- creative writing class was GREAT — we read a poem that was legitimately well written. I was almost frustrated that we didn’t get to actually discuss it because of time constraints because I really wanted to debate possible interpretations!!!!

- endowments. Also I meant to fast for my friend who’s having a rough time but then I forgot but then I forgot to bring any food so when I remembered two hours later I still hadn’t eaten anything. So! Success???

- did initiatories before endowments and I gotta say I’m not the biggest fan at ALL. Suppose it’s good that others folks do them a lot because I am perfectly happy to leave the initiatories to them.

- realized too late I’d forgotten about a commitment to a friend; postponed to later in the day. Realized too late that the new time meant I couldn’t do another thing with a different friend. Just… who in the WORLD put me in charge of scheduling? I am not qualified

- evening: practiced making flatbread, first time around I measured the portions WAY badly, second time I did better and also actually rolled the dough with a cup instead of just squishing it into shape with my hands… so the bread actually puffed up a little. Woohoo!

- I will use the bread for quesadillas, I think. Maybe also try French Toasting a few? Sandwiches! Either way, it’s food. I’ll eat it. And then I’ll try making it again and see if I can’t get better at doing it next time

- my roommate wanted to watch stranger things with me, but she’s also on the third season! So. I crocheted and mostly ignored what was going on, and she watched. Then it was 10:20 so I excused myself to go to bed… all in all, a successful day I suppose. Though I am a bit lonely right now

i'll have four feet. maybe i'll donate two of them for transplanting or somethign

 - eh no a great day yesterday. My roommate has been having a rough time. I’m happy I even noticed cuz normally I don’t notice that stuff but this time I did! And I also had the sense not to walk right up to her and ask 🎉🎉

- anyway we had a talk in my room today and yeah. She’s not doing good and she also has a BUNCH of classes she needs to finish. Finals coming up. She isn’t sure how she’s going to get them all done

- I guess my familiarity w depression helped a little bit cuz I was able to say like… yeah. It sucks. I’m sorry. Take care of yourself.

 anyway I’m keeping her in my prayers and yall should to

In other news, I’m still drawing and writing for a fandom event that’s happening these few weeks. I’m using it to write out my own OCs backstories but also trying to look around at everyone else’s, and interact, and maybe make some friends. I’m pretty well known in the swtor fandom but not so much in the Arcana fandom because I’m new and I don’t talk as much. Time will change that, I suppose

I’m slowly fixing my sleep schedule, doctor’s orders. Amber glasses, weighted blanket. The official goal is 10 pm to 6 am and I am graaaaadually making my way in that direction! 

Did some writing. It seems to me like morning writing is the best for me because I managed to bang out a whole half of a short story after procrastinating several days. Very nice

Lovely day.

Went to endowments. Did initiatories for the endowment name right before!! Very neat, I felt the spirit a lot. I’m always crying in the temple, which is unfortunate because I could easily just sob but I think that would distract folks in the celestial room.. which is too bad. Sometimes I really need to just sob uncontrollably for a bit

Anyway. Friend stuff keeps not working out. It’s like the fifth time it hasn’t worked. I’m soooo done