dark as an unlit basement at night during a solar eclipse

 weird day. weirrrrd day.

Half birthday! which I choose to regard as my full birthday, because my actual birthday is in December and I hate having it in December.

Nothing sounded good. Literally nothing. Lots of activities I wanted to do except when I thought about doing them they sounded horrendously unpleasant. I mean laying on the floor didn't sound too bad but everything else, yeah.

Anyway I called my dear mother and she suggested that I probably should /not/, in fact, lie on the floor, and that instead I should find something else to do to take care of myself and keep myself moving. The enthusiasm for this was lukewarm just like everything else but I /did/ need some cash so I grabbed a few checks and set out for the grocery store. Because my car is in the mechanic.

Got a nice cup of soup. I didn't know they even served cups of soup at the grocery store. I very much like soup, though, so that was quite nice. I miss Panera Bread. They have really good soup.

 

Had some friends over. Watched Napoleon Dynamite. That was something. I think I would enjoy watching the first half again, even. Maybe I'll have a movie night where I watch half of Princess Bride and then half of Napoleon Dynamite. Since both of them have kinda rubbish endings but very fun beginnings

Reduced section of the grocery store came in clutch, got a very nice Mousse cake for very little money. My friend brought mashed potatoes. Mashed potatoes and Mousse cake, very nice. I tried mixing them together and that wasn't too bad, either.

Weekend approaching. Those, historically, don't go very well. Pray for me lol

 

pale as the night (what does that even mean)

 I’m doing this instead of writing 🎉🎉 but that’s okay.

Dropped a class. Bio Lab, one credit, responsible for 50% or more of my class-related stress. Feeling much better.

Half birthday tomorrow!! Very excited. Either going to be watching Napoleon Dynamite or Inception and I have not seen either. 

Sam’s new roommates watch shows and movies all the time. Why?? I don’t understand, I would get so burnt out if I did it as much as they do. Burnt out and also sad because I get sad when I’m not producing things. Which is why I should be writing instead of doing this 

I’m discovering it’s actually very difficult to do most character things right now. I’m trying to do them to get my mind off of my current hyperfixation except somehow everything about the character stuff manages to remind me of said hyperfixation. NOT IDEAL

I’ve been sitting wrong, I think, or maybe sitting too much. I’m sore now, but I’m also sick of laying down so I’m not really sure what else I CAN do :<

I’m very into floriography right now. The language of flowers. Also tarot. I’d like to learn enough flowers meaning and appearances that I can fluently “speak” flower, but I dunno if I’ll stick around long enough to get there and honestly that’s fine. I’m definitely going to learn a few, though — the ones that represent me, for example, and my other characters. 

For example xerantheum. Cheerfulness in adversity. Goldilocks aster. Tardiness. Marigold + cypress. Despair. Those are mine, and I suppose yellow is also kind of my theme, since all three of those are yellow. I don't like to wear yellow but I do like to have it around me, so it makes sense. Gold, pale yellow, yellow flowers. Cheerful! And creative. Both traits I strive to possess. 

carlisle!!

 Okay funky thing in biology today. Quote of the day “my dad taught us to fail as a kid” followed by conference talk clip vaguely related to our topic of enzymes followed by object lesson except the object lesson was, uh. Very funky

See there was a bottle of powdered sugar and a bottle of combustible stuff  that you could turn it on and it would make a very nice blue fire torch. And the idea was to show that you need energy to catalyze a spontaneous reaction by lighting the sugar on fire. Torch on, he couldn’t get it to turn off. So okay fine, he turns the lights off (this takes a solid minute of fiddling with the controls). Gets the bottle, does a thing, absolutely nothing happens. Three tries later he finally makes a big impressive floof of fire that goes into the air!!

Then he still couldn’t turn the torch off so he took it down the hall to get a colleague to do it. 10/10 experience very entertaining

persimmon cake (what I wouldn’t give)

 

sour pistachios

Keeping myself busy is a skill I learned by necessity a few semesters ago and I greatly regret letting it get rusty. Working on fixing that —

Entire free afternoon, nothing going! So I went to a wellness class and then took the bus to Walmart and poked around until the bus came back. Candle section. Will always like the candle section. Also I have decided that marigolds are me-vibes and I will not be told otherwise

Today is the sort of beautiful that’s only true in pictures because you can’t tell that everything is being smothered by an unholy amount of wind. I don’t like the Midwest for a lot of reasons but I’m pretty sure wind is the leading one. I DO NOT LIKE IT

There’s been a blue cake in the fridge for several days. Uncovered and everything. Today I figured it must have gone stale anyway so I messaged my roommates to ask if I could have some and she said yes! And then I took too much and made myself sick, but that’s on me.

Learned some very useful stuff abt anxiety!! Namely that it’s all a lie and I should pretend it doesn’t exist if I want to get better.

bitter almonds

 Definitely think some of my music is making me more mentally stuck. This is problematic because when I’m having a bad time my go-to coping whatever is music. So

Rerunning Hollowknight. It’s AWESOME how much stuff I’m finding that I didn’t find before… characters, too. Some of them I’m still not entirely sure what is supposed to happen with them? I may or may not have accidentally killed the little girl miner :/  Some abilities I remember exactly where to get them from. Others… nope. Completely gone from the annuls

Between projects… but I’ve definitely taken up a bit of an interest in flowers. Just, like, the ones all over campus. I have tonnes of pictures!! And I was like hey maybe i could get better at sketching. So I dug out a bunch of pictures from my phone and I’m trying to recreate them in a sketchpad with a pencil. Might even break out the oil pastels 🤔🤔

Made some pasta, defrosted soybeans, opened and packaged a can of chicken. I miss cooking, and just the act of preparing those was soothing, I think.

Therapy appointment! As per usual I got very anxious over the weekend and then my therapist was like yo your brain is lying to you please do not do all those things that you’re freaking out about and I was like you are SO RIGHT

We’ll see if it sticks, this time.

Laudanum

 wow okay so it’s been another crazy day what the birb

Woke up. Physically so little energy I could get out of bed but I couldn’t do much else. Depression is real kids

Went to go chill at my computer, discovered my back was strained. New plan: lay face down in bed and Suffer for the rest of the day 🫶🏼

Good news though it wasn’t so bad and it made me take a break from stuff I really needed to take a break from and now I have no school today which is very good for me. Getting a bit of a break…

And Sam came over. We love Sam she’s amazing I dunno what I would do without her

Still waiting on the debit card. And the car. I hope they come soon

God bless the spirit week people giving out cookies, btw. I really needed that today